Once a month–always on a Saturday–some of my girlfriends and I get together to drink, have lunch, and play cards. Yesterday was the date of our September gathering, and I woke up this morning feeling some guilt about my food consumption yesterday. Whether or not the guilt is warranted is still up in the air, but I feel it, nonetheless.
These ladies that I get together with are some of my closest friends, so I actually did tell them that I started Weight Watchers. Aside from my parents, these gals are the only folks that know me in “real life” that happen to know I’m embarking upon a serious journey. Because I was up front with them, they decided to help make it easier for me to enjoy myself food-wise. Instead of wine, we’d drink lemon water. Instead of Chex mix, we’d snack on raw veggies and light salad dressing. Instead of pizza, we’d have salad. Instead of some sugary dessert, I’d make a Weight Watchers dessert.
I walked into this situation thinking I’d be okay, and, for the most part, I was, but my day wasn’t perfect. I brought my Weight Watchers dessert, the hostess swapped out our traditional snacks for a gorgeous fresh veggie platter and an array of light dressings for dip, and we drank lemon water all day long… Where things seemed to fall apart was in the salad department.
One of the girls decided to make the salad, which I originally thought was going to be a great idea because homemade salad is usually much healthier than store-bought or restaurant-bought because there aren’t any hidden fatty oils or any other sludge that’s added in to increase calories, fat, and/or carbs. When she showed up with the salad, though, I knew my day was going to be blown point-wise. The salad consisted of lettuce, regular cheese (as opposed to the non-fat/reduced-fat cheese I’ve been consuming on my own), hard boiled eggs, bacon, Frito corn chips, and homemade dressing that was composed of mayo, milk, vinegar, and both white and brown sugar. She didn’t even give me the chance or the option to pass on that sugary sweet dressing either–she actually coated the entire salad with the dressing before I had a chance to ask if I could swap it out for something a bit healthier. When I saw the salad, when she told me what was in it, and when she took away my power to control even a little bit of my health consciousness, I was disappointed, to say the least.
I took a chance and branched out of my comfort zone in order to tell these ladies about my weight loss journey–something that was incredibly hard for me. The fact that this woman–who is one of my dearest friends–blatantly disregarded my dietary concerns and turned right around and prepared a salad that was likely just as bad health-wise as our traditional pizza made me a bit upset. I think she knew it, too. When she saw the look on my face, she said, “Yeah, I know… all of this is basically filled with stuff you can’t have, huh?”
Uhm, yeah. Basically…
The next part of the story is where the guilt comes in… Even though I had massive concerns about this food, and even though I had absolutely no idea (and no way of finding out later) what the nutritional information of the salad was, I ate it anyways. I threw caution to the wind and had about 2 1/2 cups of it, give or take. The salad was so, so, so good, and as I was eating it, I even made the comment to the girls that something that tasted so good was bound to be so bad for you.
The sugary sweetness of that salad was a warning, but I gave in to temptation, and I ate it anyways.
The guilt was immediate, and I just couldn’t shake the feeling of disappointment. It stuck with me all day and has now seeped over into my morning. I tried to rationally look at the situation, but rationality isn’t working so well. I wrote off the salad yesterday as a solid 20 Weight Watchers points–that’s what I tracked it as. I have no idea if that’s a close value, but after researching some fast food salads and getting their point and nutritional values, I figured 20 points was a good ballpark number. If, in fact, that was a good number, then I still managed to come in under my overall point goal yesterday. I also have 49 “extra” points to use each week for “splurging” — points that, thus far, I haven’t touched during my 3 weeks on Weight Watchers. Also, I can get what’s called “active points” throughout the week–points that I can earn that are added to my weekly numbers when I exercise. All of these factors rationally mean that having a few cups of this salad isn’t going to kill me… but I still feel so terrible about it, and I just can’t shake these feelings of disappointment and guilt!
I didn’t binge. I didn’t eat myself into a frenzy and push the limits until I was sick. None of that happened. Yet, it still feels like a major setback.
I suppose the only thing I can do is just push forward and make sure that the rest of my week is okay. Hopefully the scale doesn’t take a turn in the wrong direction when I weigh-in on Friday.
On a better, lighter note, I’ve decided to order some fitness DVDs to help with my exercise goals. I’ve decided to purchase The Biggest Loser boot camp video and The Biggest Loser weight loss yoga video. I have been wanting to try yoga for ages, but I haven’t been willing to go to a class because of my size and because of my inability to move my body in ways that thinner people can. I am hoping that starting out with these home workout DVDs is going to give me the confidence and beginners’ training I need to get moving. If I have some success with the DVDs, maybe I’ll eventually be comfortable enough to go to an actual class.
So, that’s what’s going on.
Wish me luck with the rest of my week, and let’s hope that my food guilt subsides and doesn’t affect my eating choices today.