Everything.

Hi, friends!

This blog is going to be a little all over the place, so be forewarned! 😉

First off, though, I just want to say that I am feeling much better today! I have not taken another calcium and vitamin D supplement since Friday, but I do plan to try taking another pill this coming Friday (12/26/2014) just to see if I feel sick again or if last week was a one-time fluke. I will be seeing my doctor within the next month or so, and I’ll be sure to ask lots of questions about vitamins and supplements then just to be sure. For now, though, I’m definitely being extra cautious.

Thanks so much to all of you who took the time to comment on my last post about your experience with vitamins and supplements. As always, your thoughts and opinions are incredibly valued and appreciated!


Now I want to talk a little about my dad.

I realize that in several blogs I’ve written I’ve mentioned that he’s not overly supportive of me when it comes to my health choices these days, and I feel the need to clarify that idea just a little bit. My dad is a wonderful guy, and we are very, very close. I am the picture perfect definition of a daddy’s girl. My mother and I have had a very tumultuous relationship over the years, and we don’t get along well at all. Most days, it’s a struggle to even remain cordial with her, so it’s for that reason that my relationship with my dad is very special. He’s been the one constant in my life over the years, and he’s always been very supportive of everything I’ve ever chosen to do. Right now, we’re just having trouble seeing eye-to-eye.

My dad is a big guy, and he’s been that way for the entirety of my life. He was a lanky kid and teenager, but he has progressively put on weight since he was in his twenties. He’s now in his mid-fifties, and I’d say that he likely weighs over 300 lbs. He’s always said that he keeps his weight at 250 lbs., but now that I’m so vigilant about my own weight, I actually know what 250 lbs. looks like, and I know that he weighs quite a bit more than that.

I also know that I picked up quite a few of his bad habits over the years. Quite a few.

See, my dad connects food with happiness. I didn’t really realize that when I was growing up, but I do now. When he “criticizes me” about my choices, it’s because he thinks that to enjoy life you also have to enjoy food, and, more than anything, my dad wants me to enjoy life. Since he thinks I’m not “enjoying” my food these days, he also thinks I’m not enjoying life, and what kind of father wants to see that happening to their kid?

When I told him that I’ve strictly planned out my birthday and that I’ve pre-planned for a couple of “indulgences,” he asked me what the point of my weight loss journey was. “What’s the point of living like this if you can’t go and eat whatever you want on your birthday, Rachael? … It’s Christmas. What’s the point of all of this if you can’t eat what you want on Christmas, Rachael?”

It always comes back to his idea of happiness. For me, happiness is maybe finally falling in love and being seen and appreciated for who I am on the inside and on the outside. It’s seeing and experiencing new places and cultures and ideas and being able to walk with my head held high and look people in the eye. Happiness is being able to buy jeans in a regular store and go hiking with my friends. Happiness is being able to buy a bikini for the first time ever and being able to vacation in some tropical paradise and actually feel good about myself.

That’s what I think of and dream of. Those are the things that I want.

Happiness isn’t tied to food for me anymore. There are things that I want more desperately than food these days, and my dad doesn’t get that because that’s not where his mind is. He looks for happiness in a different place than me, and you know what? That’s OK. We have to learn to co-exist like this and I have to focus on my own life. I’d love for my dad to want to get healthy with me, but it’s got to be his choice, and, sadly, that’s not a choice he wants to make.

My point in saying all of this is that I don’t want you all reading my blogs and thinking my dad is this terrible person who makes me feel bad about myself. He’s not. He just hasn’t realized yet that happiness will come to me in a different way then it’ll come to him, and that comes off—right now—as being unsupportive. In my heart, though, I know he’s just as supportive of me now as he’s always been. We’re just having issues communicating right now, that’s all. 🙂


Now that that’s all been said…

I made a decision today that I’m a little on the fence about. I decided a week or so ago that I wanted fish for Christmas dinner this year, so I went to Whole Foods this morning to get some “fresh” fish (I live in Colorado—there isn’t an ocean here. Calling fish “fresh” in this state is very questionable, but Whole Foods does say it’s fresh, so so be it).

I love salmon, and so, of course, my eyes were drawn in that direction as I was perusing my options. My eyes finally settled upon this piece of salmon that looked so delicious—it was slathered in this maple almond rub and it looked so, so good. I stood there for a good 10 or 15 minutes thinking about it. Should I get it? It is Christmas, after all. It looks so good but I know that anything labeled “maple and almond crusted” is likely going to be high in points. There’s also a chance there’s sugar in the rub—it didn’t say that, but it sure does look like there’s brown sugar on there…

After some agonizing deliberation, I decided to get it along with a piece of Mahi-mahi just incase.

I can’t decide if I should eat the salmon or not, though. There’s no nutritional information posted for it, so I’m just going to have to guesstimate point-wise. I am weighing-in on Friday, and I don’t know if eating this fish the night before a weigh-in is a good idea. I am so torn about this decision. I have become so conscientious about my food choices that it’s a real struggle to eat something like this—something that I have no clue about nutrition-wise.

But it is Christmas and I really do want the fish… So that means I should have it, right? After all, that’s the whole point of Weight Watchers: I can eat whatever I want.

The reason why I ultimately decided to buy the fish is because this is part of my attempt at being “normal.” I have to live healthy for the rest of my life, so, therefore, sometimes I have to branch out. Sometimes it’s OK to eat maple and almond crusted salmon… right? This is part of the whole “everything in moderation” idea, right?

I don’t think this piece of fish is a “gateway” towards a spiral out of control. I plan to eat it alongside a small side salad, a vegetable, and half of a small, plain baked potato. I won’t be having any alcohol, and for Christmas dessert, there’s pre-sliced (aka portion-controlled) sugar-free pound cake with mixed fresh berries for topping.

So I think it’s OK to have the fish, but there’s still a part of me that can’t decide whether this is a good or bad decision on my part… It’s becoming such a conundrum!

What do you all think? Should I have the maple almond crusted salmon or the Mahi-mahi for Christmas dinner?!

What are you guys planning to eat?


My final thoughts for today center on my Weight Watchers meeting topic from last Friday. Since I didn’t feel well when I posted my weigh-in blog then, I skipped over mentioning anything about this, and now, days later, I find I have less to say about it.

The meeting was about food pushers and sabotagers, and everyone had so much to say about it on Friday. There are about a million instances that we regularly experience that deal with people trying to get us to eat things we “don’t want” to eat—that’s just a fact of life. Food is everywhere, and it’s a huge part of society. There’s a lot of ritual and rhetoric and discourse that’s associated with food, and it’s this thing that’s just always there.

As everyone in the meeting spoke, I came to a couple of startling realizations, though: 1) it’s OK to say no—saying no is not going to kill you; and 2) no one (unless you’re in a hostage situation) can make you eat something you don’t really want to eat. Seriously. Offer me some liver right now and you’ll quickly see that I don’t want it! Now offer me mac and cheese, on the other hand, and it’s a different story. I definitely want some mac and cheese—I just don’t want to want it!

These are all things you have to realize in order to make it to the finish line. If you spend all of your time making excuses then things are never going to change. That’s what I realized. I’m the only one who can control what I eat, and if I want to be better and healthier, it’s my job to start saying no, no matter how hard that’s going to sometimes be.

It’s nice to finally grasp that concept.


I know this was a super long blog, so for those who’re still reading, thanks for sticking with me! I hope you’ve all had a wonderful week thus far, and even more than that, I hope you have an absolutely lovely and perfect Christmas! I hope you savor the time you get to spend with family and friends.

I’ll talk with you all very soon!

Eat well. Be well.

rachaelxoxo

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12 thoughts on “Everything.

  1. Rachael, you are doing so great, and I understand your relationship with your father! I know that in social situations, it’s easy to talk about the things that bother you and gloss over the “mundane,” usual things, like a normally great relationship. I commend you for taking the time out to write the good and not just the worrisome!

    Also, I think that if you want the salmon, maybe try a smaller portion than you normally would take and supplement that with the mahi mahi.

    Sorry, I really want to write a long and thoughtful response, but my brain just screeched to a dead halt! I just spent the past hour or so updating the layout of my blog, so I guess that’s all the brainpower I had left for today, haha.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks so much, Alison! I think that’s what I’m going to do: have small portions of each fish and call it a day! Portion control is a great thing to strive for!

      I appreciate all of your comments and I think they’re all thoughtful 😉 I will be checking out everyone’s blogs tomorrow because I am way behind on my reading! I can’t wait to see your new layout and catch up with your weigh-ins! 🙂

      Merry Christmas to you and yours! I hope you have a wonderful and successful day! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It made me giggle (yes I giggle), when I read the part about your father and realized that I’m a strange hybrid between your father and yourself. As I’d without a doubt see myself going “what’s the point if you can’t eat what you want on Christmas?” but then returning to my healthy life after Christmas, which is ruled by numbers.

    You don’t need to look for validation from others, they’re your choices and you’re the one making them. You eat, what you want to eat – be it little, or a lot, be it mahi mahi or salmon – or a bit of both. I know you’ll return to life with the points being your guidance right after!

    Merry Christmas Rachael!

    Liked by 3 people

    • I think that sort of hybrid is probably the ideal place to be! It seems like good middle ground to me 🙂

      And thank you so much for this comment—it made me smile a mile wide and it made me so happy! You’re absolutely right: I don’t need to look for validation from others. I’m not sure why I do that, to be honest. Old habits die hard, I suppose.

      I’m going to work on being more reliant on myself in the coming year, though. That’s really the only person I need validation from, right?! 😀

      Merry Christmas to you and yours, friend! I hope your day is wonderful and happy and successful! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. With regards to feeling ill and supplements. I was ill when taking vitamin d – see if your levels are normal you’ll be putting in too much and it can make you very ill.

    With regards to all else, I think you know your father well and I think he’s probably upset that you are making tough choices and like you say they aren’t associating food and happiness.

    It’s a long road but you seem to have made it this far. Plus have the fish – point the salmon maple syrup almonds and potential brown sugar but enjoy and be happy – again like you say “this is for the rest of my life”

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for that tip about the vitamin D! That’s definitely something to keep in mind. I will absolutely discuss that with my doctor when I see him in the coming month.

      And I think that I’m going to eat a small portion of the fish. I want it, therefore I should have it. This really is a lifestyle change, and I know that I’m not always going to be perfect and that I’m never going to be able to always avoid eating everything that’s “bad,” so this is OK. This is normal. This is not a huge deal (even though it sure seems like it is ha!).

      Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your thoughts and giving me encouragement.

      Merry Christmas to you and yours! I hope you have a fantastic and successful day! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Good blog post, Rachael. Your intelligence shines through.

    It’s nice to know that you have a good relationship with your father. It helps, because it means that even if you don’t see eye-to-eye about losing weight, you’ll be fine together. Who knows, perhaps in time he’ll come round and be more supportive as he sees the transformation in you, and you never know at some point you may inspire him to follow suit. But ultimately, this is your journey not his. Be true to yourself whatever your father, or anyone else, says or thinks. It makes me feel good to come here and see how well you’re doing. Keep going, and never give up!

    Of course you shouldn’t eat the salmon, you don’t have the nutritional information to know that it’s good for you so you should avoid it. But I like the way you’ve approached it, and even if you do eat it, what’s the worst that can happen? Not much, probably. Go with your instincts on this one, make your decision, and don’t beat yourself up over it. You’re doing great, and you’re likely to continue doing great because you’re totally in the right place. Keep going, and never give up!

    You’re absolutely right, you choose what to eat. It’s that simple. But there are so many temptations along the way and so many well-meaning people who will encourage you to stray without understanding that they’re not helping. I’m already seeing that because we’re into the Christmas period, so many people telling me to enjoy this or that. Yeah, okay, so it’s Christmas, but I’m still carrying around the fat from last Christmas. This year I choose to stick to my diet. That’s my choice. By the way, this Christmas I weigh within a pound of what I weighed at Christmas two years ago, when I was also on a diet and kept going to Easter, in March. This time I’m going all the way down. I’m going to keep going, and never give up!

    Have a great Christmas, Rachael. If you eat the salmon, allow yourself to enjoy it. I look forward to keeping up with your blog posts throughout 2015, and I’m sure it’ll be a year of great transformation for you. Keep going, and never give up!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! My job requires me to be very eloquent and articulate with the written word. I work for a local magazine, and I write for both the physical publication and the website blog, so I have to be very careful with getting my words across! I’m glad that you think that that shines through in this personal blog, too!

      Thank you so very much for being a constant voice of support and motivation for me! I appreciate your comments so much and I really do look forward to hearing from you and to reading your blogs, too!

      Thanks for telling me to trust myself—I really needed to hear that! Sometimes I forget that I’m the only one that I have to answer to! 😉

      I absolutely agree with you that there are TONS of temptations out there—especially during the holidays. I hope you haven’t been too tempted or swayed by well-meaning folks these past couple of days, though. I am so proud of you, and I know that you will continue to stick to your plan and make healthy changes to your life! You have done so well thus far, and you are such an inspiration to me! Your attitude is so great! I have faith that you will do so well today (it’s midnight where I am—officially Christmas!) — I have no doubts.

      I am behind on my blog reading, but I plan to catch up as I laze around tomorrow afternoon. I’m looking forward to seeing your latest stats! 🙂

      I hope you have a very wonderful and happy day. Merry Christmas to you and yours! ❤

      Like

  5. Happy holidays! Great blog post, just adding a comment about the salmon debate. When I don’t know the nutrition information for an item I will look at several similar items and merge the nutritional information. I looked into “Maple Almond Salmon” for you and the caloric range is from 265-395 for a 6 ounce fillet. Average 12g of fat, 14g of carb, 0g of fiber, and 28g of protein – equaling 7PP. At that point I might add a point or two to cover possible misinformation depending on how similar all the recipes were. At the end of the day salmon is still a better choice than a cheeseburger or pie so I would say look at the bigger picture and relax! Hope that helped you decide!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hi there, and thanks so much for stopping by my blog! I’ve just followed your blog in return! It’s midnight where I am right now, so I haven’t gotten a chance to thoroughly check out your page, but I promise to do so tomorrow (this?) afternoon!

    Thank you SO MUCH for looking that up for me! You are incredibly kind and that’s so helpful to me! That’s actually MUCH lower than I thought it’d be! You just managed to make me feel so much better and calmer about this whole situation. And you’re absolutely right: salmon, even covered in maple almond rub, is a better choice than a cheeseburger! It’s all in the bigger picture!

    Your comment helped me tremendously—really! Thanks so much! I am looking forward to checking out your blog ASAP!

    Merry Christmas to you and yours! I hope you have a fabulous and successful day! ❤

    Like

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