This blog is going to be a little all over the place, so be forewarned! 😉
First off, though, I just want to say that I am feeling much better today! I have not taken another calcium and vitamin D supplement since Friday, but I do plan to try taking another pill this coming Friday (12/26/2014) just to see if I feel sick again or if last week was a one-time fluke. I will be seeing my doctor within the next month or so, and I’ll be sure to ask lots of questions about vitamins and supplements then just to be sure. For now, though, I’m definitely being extra cautious.
Thanks so much to all of you who took the time to comment on my last post about your experience with vitamins and supplements. As always, your thoughts and opinions are incredibly valued and appreciated!
Now I want to talk a little about my dad.
I realize that in several blogs I’ve written I’ve mentioned that he’s not overly supportive of me when it comes to my health choices these days, and I feel the need to clarify that idea just a little bit. My dad is a wonderful guy, and we are very, very close. I am the picture perfect definition of a daddy’s girl. My mother and I have had a very tumultuous relationship over the years, and we don’t get along well at all. Most days, it’s a struggle to even remain cordial with her, so it’s for that reason that my relationship with my dad is very special. He’s been the one constant in my life over the years, and he’s always been very supportive of everything I’ve ever chosen to do. Right now, we’re just having trouble seeing eye-to-eye.
My dad is a big guy, and he’s been that way for the entirety of my life. He was a lanky kid and teenager, but he has progressively put on weight since he was in his twenties. He’s now in his mid-fifties, and I’d say that he likely weighs over 300 lbs. He’s always said that he keeps his weight at 250 lbs., but now that I’m so vigilant about my own weight, I actually know what 250 lbs. looks like, and I know that he weighs quite a bit more than that.
I also know that I picked up quite a few of his bad habits over the years. Quite a few.
See, my dad connects food with happiness. I didn’t really realize that when I was growing up, but I do now. When he “criticizes me” about my choices, it’s because he thinks that to enjoy life you also have to enjoy food, and, more than anything, my dad wants me to enjoy life. Since he thinks I’m not “enjoying” my food these days, he also thinks I’m not enjoying life, and what kind of father wants to see that happening to their kid?
When I told him that I’ve strictly planned out my birthday and that I’ve pre-planned for a couple of “indulgences,” he asked me what the point of my weight loss journey was. “What’s the point of living like this if you can’t go and eat whatever you want on your birthday, Rachael? … It’s Christmas. What’s the point of all of this if you can’t eat what you want on Christmas, Rachael?”
It always comes back to his idea of happiness. For me, happiness is maybe finally falling in love and being seen and appreciated for who I am on the inside and on the outside. It’s seeing and experiencing new places and cultures and ideas and being able to walk with my head held high and look people in the eye. Happiness is being able to buy jeans in a regular store and go hiking with my friends. Happiness is being able to buy a bikini for the first time ever and being able to vacation in some tropical paradise and actually feel good about myself.
That’s what I think of and dream of. Those are the things that I want.
Happiness isn’t tied to food for me anymore. There are things that I want more desperately than food these days, and my dad doesn’t get that because that’s not where his mind is. He looks for happiness in a different place than me, and you know what? That’s OK. We have to learn to co-exist like this and I have to focus on my own life. I’d love for my dad to want to get healthy with me, but it’s got to be his choice, and, sadly, that’s not a choice he wants to make.
My point in saying all of this is that I don’t want you all reading my blogs and thinking my dad is this terrible person who makes me feel bad about myself. He’s not. He just hasn’t realized yet that happiness will come to me in a different way then it’ll come to him, and that comes off—right now—as being unsupportive. In my heart, though, I know he’s just as supportive of me now as he’s always been. We’re just having issues communicating right now, that’s all. 🙂
Now that that’s all been said…
I made a decision today that I’m a little on the fence about. I decided a week or so ago that I wanted fish for Christmas dinner this year, so I went to Whole Foods this morning to get some “fresh” fish (I live in Colorado—there isn’t an ocean here. Calling fish “fresh” in this state is very questionable, but Whole Foods does say it’s fresh, so so be it).
I love salmon, and so, of course, my eyes were drawn in that direction as I was perusing my options. My eyes finally settled upon this piece of salmon that looked so delicious—it was slathered in this maple almond rub and it looked so, so good. I stood there for a good 10 or 15 minutes thinking about it. Should I get it? It is Christmas, after all. It looks so good but I know that anything labeled “maple and almond crusted” is likely going to be high in points. There’s also a chance there’s sugar in the rub—it didn’t say that, but it sure does look like there’s brown sugar on there…
After some agonizing deliberation, I decided to get it along with a piece of Mahi-mahi just incase.
I can’t decide if I should eat the salmon or not, though. There’s no nutritional information posted for it, so I’m just going to have to guesstimate point-wise. I am weighing-in on Friday, and I don’t know if eating this fish the night before a weigh-in is a good idea. I am so torn about this decision. I have become so conscientious about my food choices that it’s a real struggle to eat something like this—something that I have no clue about nutrition-wise.
But it is Christmas and I really do want the fish… So that means I should have it, right? After all, that’s the whole point of Weight Watchers: I can eat whatever I want.
The reason why I ultimately decided to buy the fish is because this is part of my attempt at being “normal.” I have to live healthy for the rest of my life, so, therefore, sometimes I have to branch out. Sometimes it’s OK to eat maple and almond crusted salmon… right? This is part of the whole “everything in moderation” idea, right?
I don’t think this piece of fish is a “gateway” towards a spiral out of control. I plan to eat it alongside a small side salad, a vegetable, and half of a small, plain baked potato. I won’t be having any alcohol, and for Christmas dessert, there’s pre-sliced (aka portion-controlled) sugar-free pound cake with mixed fresh berries for topping.
So I think it’s OK to have the fish, but there’s still a part of me that can’t decide whether this is a good or bad decision on my part… It’s becoming such a conundrum!
What do you all think? Should I have the maple almond crusted salmon or the Mahi-mahi for Christmas dinner?!
What are you guys planning to eat?
My final thoughts for today center on my Weight Watchers meeting topic from last Friday. Since I didn’t feel well when I posted my weigh-in blog then, I skipped over mentioning anything about this, and now, days later, I find I have less to say about it.
The meeting was about food pushers and sabotagers, and everyone had so much to say about it on Friday. There are about a million instances that we regularly experience that deal with people trying to get us to eat things we “don’t want” to eat—that’s just a fact of life. Food is everywhere, and it’s a huge part of society. There’s a lot of ritual and rhetoric and discourse that’s associated with food, and it’s this thing that’s just always there.
As everyone in the meeting spoke, I came to a couple of startling realizations, though: 1) it’s OK to say no—saying no is not going to kill you; and 2) no one (unless you’re in a hostage situation) can make you eat something you don’t really want to eat. Seriously. Offer me some liver right now and you’ll quickly see that I don’t want it! Now offer me mac and cheese, on the other hand, and it’s a different story. I definitely want some mac and cheese—I just don’t want to want it!
These are all things you have to realize in order to make it to the finish line. If you spend all of your time making excuses then things are never going to change. That’s what I realized. I’m the only one who can control what I eat, and if I want to be better and healthier, it’s my job to start saying no, no matter how hard that’s going to sometimes be.
It’s nice to finally grasp that concept.
I know this was a super long blog, so for those who’re still reading, thanks for sticking with me! I hope you’ve all had a wonderful week thus far, and even more than that, I hope you have an absolutely lovely and perfect Christmas! I hope you savor the time you get to spend with family and friends.
I’ll talk with you all very soon!
Eat well. Be well.