Anxious.

Hi, friends.

I feel incredibly, incredibly anxious this morning, and it helps when I write to you guys, so that’s why I’m here.

See, between the Christmas holiday and my 22nd birthday, I received quite a bit of cash and a gift card or two meant to be used for clothes shopping. My friends and family pulled together this year and tried to show me their support by gifting me with things that would make my weight loss journey better and easier and more exciting. They all assumed that I’d be thrilled to suddenly have the means to go on a shopping spree—that I’d be ecstatic to be able to just haphazardly spend money on things that would make my weight loss even more noticeable.

And when I first received the money and the gift cards, I definitely was excited and touched by the gesture.

But now?

:/

I honestly don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I have been planning for the last week to go shopping, but now I’m just incredibly upset. I’ve put off this process for as long as possible, but the time has finally come.

I need new clothes.

have to go shopping now.

I’m down 39 lbs. so far, and I don’t have any clothes left that fit me. My t shirts hang off of me, and they don’t look good anymore (not that I think they ever really looked good — plus size women’s clothes are not exactly up-to-speed with the latest trends, ya know). My jeans are baggy, and these days, they seem to have morphed into high-waisted, incredibly unflattering pants.

I know all of this. I see it when I look in the mirror. I feel it when I put my clothes on… Yet here I sit, drowning in anxiety, virtually paralyzed with fear about the shopping trip I planned for today. My stomach is in knots, and I’m not going to lie to you… There were tears this morning. There are tears right now as I’m writing this.

hate shopping for clothes. Hate it. For the past 10 years, I’ve shopped at one store and one store only to buy clothing because I know that going there to shop is a sure thing. I know that there’s always things I can fit into there. Since I was a pre-teen, this store has been a faithful friend, a place where I didn’t have to feel completely out of place because the size I’ve needed has always been middle of the road—there were plenty of sizes both above and below me, so I didn’t feel anxious about trying stuff on.

But several months ago, they closed the branch of this particular store that was nearest to me. Now I’ll have to drive close to 45 minutes to get to another one, and today, that’s a last resort. I’ll only drive that far if I have to.

See, the girls at my Weight Watchers meeting have been telling me to shop for new clothes for weeks.

“You have to do this for yourself, Rachael. It’s part of the process.”

“You’ll be surprised at how good you feel, Rachael.”

“Your weight loss will shine through once you do this, Rachael. You’ll see yourself much more clearly when you’re finally back in the right size clothing.”

They told me to branch out and go to new places to shop. I’m smaller now, undoubtably so, so it’s time to step out of my comfort zone apparently.

They told me to go to Old Navy—that the plus size section there is full of cute stuff that would definitely fit (they apparently go up to size 30, and the largest size I’ve ever worn is a 22 so…). They also told me to go to Target because their plus size section is full of graphic tees that fit my style, I guess—quirky and snarky shirts and lots of stuff with quarter sleeves, which is what I wear to cover my arms because I hate their shape (or lack thereof) so much.

They all told me this would be a good idea and that I’d be fine, but so far, this is not going well, which speaks volumes about how the day is probably going to go in its entirety since I haven’t even left my house yet.

I’m not sure what the root of my anxiety is. I guess there’s just a part of me that’s afraid that I haven’t gone down in sizes yet, which is kind of an insane thought since I know that my current clothing does not fit me, but that thought is still there anyways. What if I’m still the same size that I was 17 weeks ago? What if these places don’t have clothing that fits? What if nothing looks good? What if, what if, what if?

And then there’s also a part of me that’s afraid to do this incase stuff does fit. If I’m in a smaller size, will that put a halt to the streak I’m on right now? Will seeing myself in a new light cause me to stop losing weight? Will I suddenly get complacent because I look different—maybe better?

And then there’s a small part of me, too, that has this hope that I won’t even need these clothes I’m planning to buy for very long anyways because I want so badly to keep losing weight… But is it wrong to hope for that? I feel weird hoping for that. I feel like it’s not okay to have that hope or desire for some reason.

My mind is swirling with a million thoughts right now, and I’m pretty close to just throwing in the towel and doing this another day. Maybe I’ll just invest in a belt instead. I can wear my current clothes until they literally fall off of me.

Seriously… what is wrong with me today? Where is this coming from?

rachaelxoxo

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32 thoughts on “Anxious.

  1. It’s a “first” thing. I just had to go through that yesterday when I thought I really couldn’t do it. But then I just went and things were fine. No, they were great. But if you don’t find yourself ready, don’t pressure yourself. Maybe one day after work you feel like shopping and that’s the time to go! Or even do some internet shopping to see what size of clothes suit or fit? Just don’t let yourself be told what to do or how to feel, you have to feel content with what you’re doing.
    You can do it 🙂 just take your time

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Okay here’s the thing.

    What you’re going through is having to face a change to your self-image, the self-image you’ve built throughout your childhood and teens. We as human beings have built that and it is our psyche’s backbone, it’s the thing that keeps us together, “This is who I am”, we all have that, and as it is a supporting structure for your psyche, we are hard-pressed when it comes to changing it. We’re loaded with what ifs, it’s like a toddler if you take their favorite toy away – you can see their eyes well up with tears and they just seem lost – without even thinking about any other toy being as good, or better.

    What you’re going through is absolutely, 100%, normal and there is not a single thing wrong with you. You’ve implanted into your mind the image of a big girl, girl that shops at this one shop and… that’s it, there is no alternatives. That girl is gone now though, what’s left is you, Rachael and it’s time to start building a new self-image. Own the body that you’re in and have fun with the clothes shopping. You could also buy a pair of pants, or a cute shirt, that for now is too small for you. It might help encourage you to get to be able to wear it in the future!

    You can do this, you’re a strong girl and you’ll be happy to have made the step forward, when you do it!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you so very, very much! Your words here mean so much to me. You really helped talk me down off the ledge! I read your comment earlier and then finally decided that I actually would go out and shop today! And you’re right: I was happy to take the step forward. Once I got myself going, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.

      Thank you so much for making me feel normal and for helping me understand that it’s time to let go of the big girl I was 17 weeks ago! I didn’t realize how much I was still holding onto her until today.

      You’re such a sweet, kind soul, and your words really do mean so much. You’re the best! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Nothing is wrong with you Rachael. All of us who have lost weight have been there. Late last summer I struggled with when to buy new clothes, and what size to buy. I refused to go down too far and feared not going far enough. I can tell you that for me it was irrational.

    Buying new clothes wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be

    I didn’t stop losing weight

    I will say it was hard. I took a supportive friend along one trip and my wife on another. The time I went alone wasn’t so positive.

    My best advice is take your best, most supportive, least judgmental friend with you. Don’t get discouraged. You’ll end up feeling fabulous.

    One last thought. You’ve already done the hard part…you lost the weight. Buying clothes is easy by comparison. You can do this!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much, Bobby!

      Like you, I definitely feel that my fears were irrational now that I’ve actually gone out and done it. Shopping wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, and I actually do feel really good about myself right now! I made the right decision; I’m glad I listened to all of you lovely people and pushed past my fears and anxiety and decided to just go! It was worth it.

      I took your advice, too, about the friend. However, she wasn’t able to come out with me, but there were lots of pictures exchanged and even a spur of the moment Facetime chat. I ended up with 4 new shirts + 2 new pairs of jeans! My friend was super honest in her thoughts, but it wasn’t in an overly negative or discouraging way. She helped me out big time! Thanks for that suggestion. 🙂

      I appreciate your kindness and support so, so much, Bobby! Thank you for being here! I needed to hear this today. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you, my friend!

    It actually did go well—much, much, much better than I expected it to! I have not been deterred from my journey, thankfully. I will indeed keep going! This was just a small bump in the road. I let irrational fear take over for a little bit, but I’m OK now! 🙂

    Thanks, as always, for your support and encouragement! It means the world. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hello!
    I just started my blog on Friday and I just had to stop by and tell you that your posts have inspired me so far! I imagine that when I lose my weight, I will go through the same thoughts. I guess we just have to focus on what counts, which is the fact that we are getting healthier!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hi, and thanks so much for dropping me a line! I appreciate it very, very much!

      I am also so very humbled that my posts have inspired you. I am so happy that that’s the case! I decided to share the nitty gritty of my journey for that very reason. I wanted to help others and let them know that there was someone else out there going through the same things as them.

      There are a lot of good days AND a lot of bad days on any weight loss journey. These days, mine are mostly good, thankfully. However, things like this do come up — situations pop up out of no where that are incredibly scary and intimidating.

      I am a constant work in progress (aren’t we all?!), and I try to let that shine through here. I don’t just share my good days with you guys… I share the bad and scary days, too. Today was a scary day, but I made it through and everything is OK. Tomorrow will be better. 🙂

      I wish you the best of luck on your journey — through the good AND the bad days! I will be following your blog! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Dear sweet precious Rachel,

    Let go of the old. Well, maybe keep the most loved clothing. (Oh, do keep the one piece you wore when nothing else would fit. I wish I had kept my pink blouse. I wore it so much I grew to hate it, but now I wish I had it so I could see how far I have come.)

    One step at a time- pick one outfit that you wear now that for some reason you really don’t like. Maybe the most worn out. Give or throw it away. I give mine away, makes me feel better about it.

    Then go buy just one outfit, just one. Wear it , enjoy it , look at yourself in the mirror. ( My Hubby caught me looking at my butt the other day and I shook it just to see what it would do.) Once you get used to that one, get rid of another old outfit and go buy one more new outfit. You’ve heard “One day at a time, well, now take it one outfit at a time.

    When you tell the salesladies that you lost weight, they will be thrilled to help you.

    I have emptied out my closest of too big clothes and bought new ones (to me) three times now. The way I have been able to do this financially is that I shop at the Thrift Store and Goodwll.
    This past Saturday, I bought a huge bag full of clothes for $43. It has become a thrill for me to buy smaller clothes. Once a month our Goodwill has a 10 pieces for $10 sale. I now have a lot of really nice pieces that would have cost a lot of money if I bought new.

    Pray for me. I think I have a new addiction – buying clothes. LOL’
    It feels wonderful to pick a size smaller and not only does it fit, but you look good too! Yep!

    Girl, I say go for it . Take a support friend with you if that helps .

    You deserve the pleasure of feeling good about yourself. You deserve to feel attractive.
    Those old baggy clothes are holding you in bondage – break free.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Is it a weight loss thing? I also stood in front of the mirror the other day looking at myself and gave it a shake. At the same time I was proud of my weight loss, and horrified at what deflated, shaking skin looks like. lol

      Liked by 2 people

    • I did end up going shopping, and I got 2 new pairs of jeans + 4 new shirts. It was easier than I thought it was going to be once I got there. I also decided that I’m going to keep my old jeans. I was so nervous and afraid to try on new jeans that I feel like keeping my old ones as a reminder of how far I’ve come is a good idea. Have you seen that old People Magazine cover of Carnie Wilson? The one where she’s standing in her old jeans and the caption on the photo is “Half Her Size!”? I’d like to be able to take a photo like that someday, so I’ll need those old jeans! 😉

      There is a brand new Good Will near my home, but I didn’t even think to look there because I figured they wouldn’t have my size! Maybe I will check it out. I spent around $100 yesterday (however, I also bought a scarf + a pair of mittens since it’s freezing in Colorado + I didn’t own either of those necessary staples! + I also bought a pair of shoes that were on clearance for $10). I can’t afford to spend that much every time I need to buy clothes, though! That’d get crazy REALLY quickly! So if Good Will has my size, that’d be a really nice alternative!

      Thanks so much, as always, for your kindness and your support and encouragement, Deborah! It means more to me than you’ll ever know. ❤

      Like

      • Awww! Goodwill and Thrift stores have all sizes. I refuse to pay full price for anything. Wait- i did buy a brand new purse for my birthday from a real store. LOL!
        But I am able to get so much for my money at thrift stores. I can buy more. Ha ha!
        My Hubby and I like to go to garage sales every Saturday. Its our fun thing to do. We enjoy talking to people and you never know what you’ll find. I look for clothes there too!
        My friends are amazed at all my clothes. One said, “I’m coming over to raid your closest,” haha.
        The low cost makes it fun, takes away guilt spending money on myself. Since I am in a process of losing weight and I dont know where I’m going to end up, it doesn’t make sense for me to pay full price.
        I have already got rid of three closests of clothes. One time, I gave boxes of clothes to a Womens Drug Rehab. That made me feel great!
        Food was my drug and now I’m helping others as they get free of their drug. Isn’t God wonderful to bless us like this!
        My young friend, you are going to have the most exciting year ever! Many blessings to you!

        Like

  7. Pingback: 239.6 | My Journey–One Day at a Time

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