Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Weight Last Week: 258.6 lbs.
Current Weight: 257.4 lbs.
Weekly Change: –1.2 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 60.8 lbs.
First off, let me apologize for the late posting! My day has been super busy. My uncle came to town for a surprise visit, so the majority of my evening was spent with family. That means that my dinner was unplanned and a little off the charts… Yikes! I did the best that I could, but I ended up using 8 of my weeklies (by my best guesstimation). But it’s OK! It’s the start of a brand new week for me, so hopefully things will even out over the course of the next couple of days.
Anywho—as you all can see, I experienced another loss this week! I am down another 1.2 lbs., which means I hit the big 6-0 today! I have now lost a total of 60.8 lbs., and I am so ecstatic! I truly feel like a new woman. It’s almost like the “before” me wasn’t really me at all. I’m having a hard time reconciling everything in my head lately. I’m still the same ‘ole Rachael at the heart of things, but I’m very, very different, too. Do any of you ever feel like that? Do you ever feel so far from who you were at the start of things that you almost can’t recognize yourself? And if you do, is that a good or a bad thing? I have always been super happy with who I was on the inside—character-wise—at every size I’ve ever been, so I always assumed that that part of me would never change. Now, though, it seems like that’s not true. As I continue to shrink in size outwardly, I find that who I am on the inside is changing, too, and I’m just not sure how to deal with everything. It’s overwhelming and a little scary.
My leader had me speak a bit today at the meeting, and I was floored by the response of my Weight Watchers peers. So many of them stopped to chat with me afterwards and tell me how inspiring my story is and how proud they are of me and to know me. This is part of the new me that’s sort of hard to reconcile. I don’t feel like my life was very inspirational prior to starting this journey, and aside from the handful of close friends I have and my immediate family, I don’t ever recall someone actually telling me that they were proud of me or proud to know me.
It’s strange to think that other people have these thoughts and opinions of me now. Since I’ve now lost 60 lbs., does that make me the resident expert on weight loss? Sometimes when these folks look at me or talk to me, that’s the vibe I get from them. They seem to think that I’ve really got my act together and that I really know what I’m doing. After all, our leader “only” lost 50 lbs. on program, so, at this point, I’ve even surpassed her.
Here’s the thing, though, guys… No matter how much weight I’ve lost, I am not an expert. I’m not. I still struggle. I still wake up and have to consciously make choices and put forth so much effort to do this. This past week, I was really stressed out about my thesis and the rest of my school work, so I ate a cup of Smartfood popcorn, 12 low-fat corn tortilla chips, 30 Planters salted caramel peanuts, and a piece of stone baked bread within about an hour’s time—which, by the way, was only about an hour after eating a huge lunch! So when I walked into my Weight Watchers meeting this morning, I was fully prepared to either gain or maintain. This past week was definitely not one of my better ones!
My point is—I feel like people are starting to equate my success with knowledge, and that idea and misconception leads people to have very high expectations of me that are impossible to live up to. It’s not easy to be held to a standard like that; I do not know what I’m doing anymore than the next person—really! I’m just swimming along in the same way that everyone else is.
I still eat fast food sometimes. I don’t exercise every day—sometimes I don’t even exercise for a week or two at a time. Even though I gave up soda long before I made Weight Watchers a way of life, sometimes I still break down and buy a Diet Coke because I’m just jonesin’ for something other than water, tea, or coffee. I always drink a beer with my dad on the back deck when we throw family barbecues. I eat gigantic breakfasts sometimes because it’s my favorite meal of the day—breakfasts that are super carb-heavy and probably enough for two people.
These are things that are very real and very, very current in my life. I am, by no means, a perfect example of weight loss, and it makes me really, really uncomfortable when other people get stuck on the idea that I am.
I feel disappointed when people think these things about me because I know that it’s not true.
The one thing I think I’m best at is holding myself accountable for what I do, and if I could only attribute my weight loss success to one thing, I think that’d probably be it. I always track, no matter what. I always do my best to pre-plan. And I always tell someone else—whether it’s here on the blog or it’s a text to a friend—what I’m doing if I start to feel out of sorts or out of control with my food. I do not let myself live in secrecy anymore. Secret eating is what caused me to weigh close to 320 lbs. when I was just 19-years-old. So now, if I’m going to eat food that’s not the healthiest or if I eat too much, I own that and I tell someone else.
When I went on my mindless mini carb binge this past week, I tracked it all and then immediately sent a screen shot of it to Alison and told her that I couldn’t seem to stop eating junk. I owned up to what I did without a second thought. And that’s what saves me most of the time these days, I think. When I used to binge and whatnot, I kept it a secret because, to me, secrecy equates to “bad” or “wrong,” and I always knew that that’s what I was doing—something bad or wrong. I don’t let myself live like that anymore, though. I don’t do “bad” or “wrong” things when it comes to eating. Sometimes my choices aren’t necessarily the healthiest, but nothing is worth keeping a secret anymore.
That’s the one bit of “knowledge” that I have, guys… As for the rest, my guess is as good as yours.
Thank you for keeping me accountable and for being such a huge part of my life.
I truly adore every single one of you, and I’m constantly thinking of you all during the week. I know that maybe I don’t comment as much as I should because I get super caught up in the business of “real life,” but I promise you that none of you are far from my thoughts and my heart.
I couldn’t do this without you guys.
Thanks for making 60 possible!
I wish you an absolutely wonderful week.
Eat well. Be well.