252.2

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Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Weight Last Week: 253.2 lbs.
Current Weight: 252.2 lbs.
Weekly Change: –1 lb.
Total Weight Lost: 66 lbs.


Good afternoon, friends!

I lost a pound this week (bringing my total to 66 lbs. lost!) but I’m still stuck in the 250s! I’ve been here for 7 weeks now, which is a bit of a bummer, but, overall, I feel OK about it. The scale is moving downwards and I’mΒ definitelyΒ making better choices health-wise, so I’m doing OK! Progression is progression, right? Rome wasn’t built in a day! πŸ˜‰


This week has been a particularly good one mental health-wise. Last week,Β I wrote to you guys about my ongoing struggles with my fickle emotions, and just like the title of that post, I know that that’s going to be a forever thing, however, this week wasn’t so hard, which was definitely a nice change up.

This week I’ve been trying to sort out my life in other areas aside from weight loss: I’ve been getting my undergrad transcripts together and speaking with my college advisors and preparing all of the paperwork for graduate school; I’ve been speaking with the program director at the university that I hope to be admitted to next year, and I’ve been checking on my student loan debt and talking to my loan advisors about postponing payments until I’m entirely done with school.

It’s been quite an adventure.

It’s been very nerve-wracking and overwhelming, but it’s also been very exciting, too.

And that excitement is what’s made me realize that it’s been a good week for my mental health.

If you’ve read my bio page, then you know that I stopped attending “traditional” college courses after only two semesters on campus because my weight became a huge problem. I weighed 319+ lbs. at the time, so I couldn’t fit in the desks at school, and I also couldn’t walk across campus in a timely fashion or without my face turning red and my body pouring out buckets of sweat. It wasΒ veryΒ embarrassing for me.

At the time, I was having to schedule my classes with 45-60 minute breaks in between because the normal 15 minute breaks weren’t enough time for me to walk to where I was going and sit down to rest a bit before class.

Yes. You read that correctly. At age 19, I was incapable of walking across campus without stopping to take a break and compose myself.

Sad, right?

Anyway, I ended up switching to online courses, which I’ve actually thoroughly enjoyed. I’m a very self-motivated learner, so online classes have been easy and convenient for me. But, with that said, I do feel that I’ve missed out on a lot of “traditional” college experiences, and I also haven’t been able to make any friends this way, which has been difficult.

When I go to graduate school next year, I’ll start with online courses to level out my BA, but then I’ll be doing two full years of school on campus, face-to-face, in a classroom.

As I was getting my applications and whatnot prepared this week, I had a lot of time to think about actually physically being in school again, and, amazingly, I’m not nervous at all. I’m actually very, very excited!

By the time I’ll have to physically be present in the classroom, I’m hoping that I’ll be in ONEderland. As it stands, I’m only 52.2 lbs. away from ONEderland now, and in 1.5-2 years, I think it’s feasible to imagine myselfΒ at leastΒ 52.2 lbs. smaller than I am now.

I think it’s OK to imagine myself in the 100s.

I’veΒ neverΒ imagined myself being that small.

Never.

It feels incredible to have that hope in my heart. It feels incredible not to constantly be in a state of agonizing worry and embarrassment.

I know that walking across campus won’t be a problem because, currently, I can walk a mile in about 15 minutes’ time—2 miles in about 27-28 minutes’ time. I know that I won’t have a problem fitting into a desk because I don’t have a problem sitting in chairs or desks or booths now. I know that I won’t have a problem making friends because I’m no longer the girl who sits quietly and camouflaged in the corner, praying not to be noticed or bothered.

I am a new woman now, and I know that with each passing day, I only get better and better.


I also had a really, really long chat with my best friend, Katelyn, this week, too. She currently lives about 1,100 miles away from me in Reno, Nevada, and we haven’t seen each other in-person for more than a year. I’ve been telling her that I’ve lost weight, but I haven’t told her much more than that, and I haven’t sent her any pictures either.

This week I decided to break my silence and just tell her the big picture of what’s been going on. I finally admitted that I’m on Weight Watchers, and I also sent her a handful of pictures to demonstrate just what it is that I’ve done.

She was so happy and ecstatic for me, and when she saw my current pictures, she said, “Wow! Those pictures, Ray! That’s insane! I can’t stop looking at it! That side one is blowing my mind! You’re glowing!”

When I explained that sometimes I have a difficult time dealing with the physical side effects of the weight loss and that I almost always have a difficult time dealing with the mental side effects, she told me that she’s been reading up on people who’ve lost a lot of weight, trying to get some idea of the struggles or challenges that people don’t tell you about. She said that she can’t imagine how hard it must be to look in the mirror and not recognize the person you see there.

When I said,Β “Yeah, I really don’t look anything like I used to look.”Β She replied,Β “You’re still there. You can just see more of you now.”Β 

Then we had a really sappy talk about our friendship, and I felt like I could breathe a little easier.

She’sΒ neverΒ treated me like “the fat friend,” but still, I think when you’re obese, you always tiptoe around other people. You never know when something or someone is going to hurt you with their words or actions.

Katelyn’s coming to visit in mid-June, and she’s bringing the man she wants to marry with her, and she’s excited for us to meet. She said,Β “I’m probably going to scream and cry when I finally see the ‘new’ you, and then I might cry some more because you and Chris are finally going to be with me in the same room, and it’s going to make me so happy to have the two people I care about most meet one another.”Β 

After that sappy chat, we decided that we wanted to plan a vacation, so we started making plans to visit the West Coast next spring—specifically the Bay Area.

As we were making these plans, I realized that just 8 months ago, this was something I’d never have done. 8 months ago, I’d have made some excuse as to why I couldn’t go, too scared that I’d have to try to squeeze myself into an airplane seat (or end up buying two seats) or have to shop for frumpy clothes to cover my 300+ lb. body.

Now I’m not scared of those things. Now I’m just excited to be able to vacation with my best friend and have fun experiences like a “normal” twenty-something.


I had lunch with another old friend from high school on Tuesday of this week, and she couldn’t contain herself when she saw me. She said that she noticed just how “thin” I’ve gotten as soon as I stepped out of my car.

When she asked me “what’s new” over lunch, I said,Β “Well, I’ve lost 65 lbs., and that’s about it.”Β She then told me that I looked great and asked me how I managed to do it. After already having talked to Katelyn and admitted my use of Weight Watchers, I figured that being totally honest with everyone would be the right thing to do, so I just told her that I joined back in September and that I’ve had great success with it.

She was happy and excited for me, too, and she didn’t make a bigger deal out of it than necessary.


After having talked to both of these women and being truthful about my lifestyle now, I feel so much better. I didn’t realize that part of my mental health issues were tied up in all this secret keeping. I was still really embarrassed about my weight and about everything that goes along with that, but I think I’ve finally realized that it’s OK to talk about this stuff with people who don’t necessarily understand the complexity of it.

It’s OK to tell people that I’m living a healthy lifestyle now and that Weight Watchers is helping me do that.

It’s not something I have to be embarrassed about.

My mental state isΒ finallyΒ catching up with the rest of my changing body.

It’s about time!


This week I think my goal is going to be to do a little extra walking. I need to put my Fitbit back on and start making more effort to get moving. I’m not supposed to exercise until I finish this bout of medication for my back, but I think some non-strenuous walking should be OK. I won’t push too hard—just hard enough to get myΒ muscles moving again.

I hope you’ve all had a lovely week, and I hope this next week is a happy and productive one, too.

Eat well. Be well.

rachaelxoxo

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9 thoughts on “252.2

  1. I think it’s great that the connection between body and mind is finally making it’s way together! I started taking classes in person again at my highest weight last year. I made some acquaintances, but my weight made me feel so out of place. Now that I’ve lost some, I find myself able to actually talk to people that I don’t know and make new friends within my nursing class. It’s really a great feeling to not sit alone all the time lol!

    It’s also great that friends are recognizing your weight loss. I have an online friend that I would be mortified to meet at this weight. Anytime I run into people I knew in HS, I hide or pray they don’t see me. I hope to one day be able to stand tall and say hello! You have courage that I admire, even if you don’t see it as courage πŸ™‚

    Lastly, I think you are doing great in life and with your weight loss and I am 100% envious!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, Brittany! ❀

      I am so glad that you're finding it easier to talk to people and make friends in your nursing class! That's great! I had such a hard time when I was physically going to classes a couple of years ago, so I know EXACTLY what you mean about feeling out of place. I was so huge at the time and I felt so awkward; I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't like what I'd let myself become, so I guess I figured that other people wouldn't like me either. It's crazy what a little weight loss can do, isn't it? The confidence starts to creep back in and making friends doesn't seem like such a bad idea! πŸ™‚

      I also know what you mean about being worried about meeting people who you don't know in-person at this weight. I have a friend that I've "known" since I was 15 (yes, 15!), but we've never met in-person and we've never Facetimed—we just talk online or on the phone. This has gone on for almost 8 years now and he actually lives just 15 minutes from me. He has been begging to meet me for YEARS, but I keep putting it off because of my weight. I have NEVER lied to him and claimed to be skinny, but I also didn't admit that I was fat either. I'm sure he maybe suspects at this point, but I just can't seem to pull the trigger. Earlier this year, I finally told him that I've been struggling with an eating disorder and weight issues forever and that that's partially why I didn't want to meet him. I told him that once I get my life in order and I'm where I want to be, he's the first person that I'll call up to come celebrate with me. He's backed off a bit since, but I'm sure he's wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

      It's really scary to meet people when you're heavy. People so easily judge you based on your appearance and they can quickly forget any great traits you might possess personality-wise. It sucks!

      You are doing so well though, Brittany, and there is such a huge difference in your attitude AND your appearance! I am so proud of you, and you should be proud of you, too! You look great, and anyone that you happen to see from high school will immediately see that, too! If they talk to you, I'll bet they notice a change in your attitude and confidence, as well, and that will knock 'em dead! πŸ˜€

      Don't be envious of me! You have so many great things going for you. You kick my butt in the fitness department, and you're also kicking butt in nursing school, which is something that I "failed" at! I couldn't hack it in nursing school, and I know now that I absolutely could NOT have hacked it as a nurse either, so kudos to you for having the drive and determination to do this! I know from firsthand experience just how hard it is! You are awesome! ❀

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I loved this! I loved the flashbacks compared to where you are now. It’s fantastic how much your life can change in such a short amount of time. Congratulations on your bravery with preparing to go back to school. You’ll do so well and I’m sure being there and actually watching the changes in yourself will be an incredible confidence booster.
    And I’m so proud that you’ve decided to tell the people in your life. It’s weird how comfortable we are sharing things on the Internet, but when it comes to telling those closest to you – no, no, no!
    And you totally deserve a vacation after your progress and success! Proud friend over here!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks so much, Harley! ❀

      It makes me so sad to look back on the last couple of years. I cannot believe that I let my weight get that debilitating. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I think I learned it well. I will NEVER see 300 lbs. again. EVER. I refuse to let that happen AGAIN!

      I think it's going to be amazing to go back to school. The first time I sit in a desk, I hope I don't burst into tears, but I just might end up doing so out of pure joy! It will be so wonderful to not have to worry about that stuff anymore! It'll also be so nice not to have to think, "Can I make it to class on time? Will I be able to walk that far? Am I too sweaty?"

      It's taken me awhile to get comfortable with others knowing. The day I recorded that video for you guys was the day I made the decision that if my life on the internet and the life I lead out here in the real world collide, I'd deal with it. A couple of days ago, I put a picture up on my bio page here on the blog, and you know that I also post pictures of myself on Instagram now, too, so, eventually, someone is bound to stumble upon something. The world is a small place.

      I have to learn to be OK with telling people that this is my life and this is my journey. Anyone that's a real friend isn't going to care, and if they do care, well, maybe that's not the kind of crowd I should be associating with.

      This is who I am, and I have to learn to be OK with that. πŸ˜‰

      I'm excited to vacation, too! It'll be good practice for the vacation I want to take with all of you guys—all of my blogging friends—someday (maybe soon!). I am determined to organize something so that we can all meet someday. Maybe we'll have to plan something for the summer of 2016 or the summer of 2017! ❀

      Liked by 2 people

      • This journey is a blessing. It hasn’t only taught you about weight loss and health but it shapes your confidence strength, love, and loyalty to yourself. It’s been hard, but I think all of our journeys are worth it. Plus, it brought us all together too! We should definitely plan something, even if it’s not for a few years. It gives us something awesome to look forward to!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My first thought after reading this was, “Come to the Gilf Coast”, Mobile Bay. Our beaches are the most beautiful. This was because I wanted a visit with you myself. Then I realized to the rest of the world “west coast, Bay Area, is California. Sigh.

    You have no idea how proud I am both of you and for you. Your victory is here now. Even though you aren’t finished, you are victorious.
    What a privilege it has been for me to behold this wonderful change both outside and inside, especially the inside. What an honor it is to just be invited to behold this miracle of your healing. Thank you for inviting me to be a witness. May God grant you the desires of your heart.
    Deborah
    http://www.talkingtomyweightlosscounselor.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so very much, Deborah! ❀

      I want to plan another vacation for my blogging friends. Somewhere along the line, I stopped imagining all of you as these people that I'd never get to meet—somewhere along the line, I started imagining our friendships moving beyond the virtual world!

      I would like to plan a blogger meet-up eventually—maybe something during the summer of 2016 or the summer of 2017. I want us to go somewhere and celebrate our journeys and our lives and our stories and, most importantly, our friendships with one another.

      I am going to organize it. I am determined! ❀

      I really, really, really hope to meet you in "real life" and have the opportunity to visit with you, Deborah. That would make me so happy! πŸ˜€

      Thank you, thank you, thank you for being part of my journey and my transformation. The fact that you've been walking with me for so long now makes me so happy and so grateful! I appreciate your support more than I can say. I owe a tremendous part of my success to all of you—to everyone who makes up this wonderful support system that I've found. Thank you for helping me change my life!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: 251.0 | My Journey–One Day at a Time

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