Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Weight Last Week: 250.8 lbs.
Current Weight: 249.4 lbs.
Weekly Change: –1.4 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 68.8 lbs.
This week has been insane—so insane, in fact, that I can’t believe I finally made it to Friday!
As you can see from the aforementioned stats, I lost 1.4 lbs. this week, which means I reached a huge milestone this morning at weigh-in… yet in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t seem like nearly as big of a deal as I’d previously made it out to be. Two weeks ago, I talked about what weighing less than 250 lbs. meant to me. Weighing less than 250 lbs. somehow always equated to “normalcy” in my mind, yet when it happened today, I honestly didn’t feel any different.
Alison and I always text each other after we weigh-in, and when I sent her my results this morning, I completely forgot that reaching this weight was supposed to mean that I was “normal fat”—until, that is, Alison reminded me.
Originally, I was just excited to be out of the 250s because I’d stalled so much over the course of these past 10 weeks… I had honestly forgotten why it was that I so desperately wanted to make it to this weight.
I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, huh?
There were so many things I wanted to say to you guys this week, but every time I tried to sit down and write, I couldn’t get the words to flow in the way that I wanted or needed them to.
My family went through a bit of an upheaval this week. You see, my dad and I are estranged from several members of his family, and when his younger brother (my paternal uncle) had a fairly massive stroke last weekend, shit hit the fan big time (please forgive my language—I always keep my language clean on this blog, but this expression is truly the only way to describe the situation).
I am usually incredibly candid with you guys about my life, but since I don’t feel like this is really my story to tell, I’m going to just gloss over the specifics of my family dynamics and the specifics of this situation and simply tell you that by the time everything was said and done, I gained a roommate; my uncle is now a happy resident of my home, and he’s said goodbye to Colorado Springs and hello to Denver (hopefully forever, but maybe just for the time being).
All of the upheaval and the general sense of theatrics that this past week brought with it forced me to do some serious thinking and soul searching. After having a very long and very emotional chat with my uncle, I came to a startling realization: for the past 9 months, I’ve essentially been living in fantasyland.
You see, I’m an addict—I freely, honestly, and openly admit that. I am addicted to food, I am a (recovering) binge eater, I am an overeater, and I have had a very distorted and inappropriate relationship with food for basically as long as I can remember—a relationship that may very well continue to always be distorted and inappropriate, even if I do my very best to try to change it.
The fact of the matter is, when you’re an addict, whatever it is that you’re addicted to has complete control over you. From early childhood right on through early adulthood, the first thing I’d think about when I got up in the morning was food, and it was the last thing I thought about before going to bed at night, too. Between those occurrences, I probably thought of food another hundred times throughout the day. Each and every day. Every. Single. Day. Of. My. Life.
I have an eating disorder, and that’s something that’s never going to go away. I can do my very best to try to tame it and gain some semblance of control over it, but it’s not something that’s just going to be written off as one chapter in the book of Rachael—this is something I’m going to have to deal with and struggle with forever. I know this. If you read my blog last week, I think it’s safe to say that you know this, too; my struggle with food is obviously an ongoing one—as demonstrated by that blog—and even though I’m doing much better and I’m losing weight and I’m becoming a more healthy individual, food is still a major part of my life, and it still has a lot of control over me.
After talking to my uncle this week, I realized that my addictive tendencies have sort of now transferred from binging and overeating to counting points and healthy eating. I also realized that I’ve been totally and completely consumed by all of this—I’ve been acting like the rest of the world hasn’t continued on these past several months… I’ve been acting like time has been standing still, waiting for me to get where I “need” to be on this journey.
My uncle was able to pull me right back to reality, and he did it quickly and brutally.
For the first time since starting this journey, I realized that there are other people in this world who are far worse off than I am; I realized that no matter what I’m dealing with or going through, in the grand scheme of things, my life really isn’t that bad; and, most importantly, I realized that there are plenty of other things to worry about and focus on that don’t have one single thing to do with weight loss.
Maybe realizing these things is what helped me ultimately lose weight this week since I was so forcefully shaken from my obsession.
On another note, my dear friend Betty received her transplant this week, and I went to the hospital to visit with her today after my Weight Watchers meeting. She wasn’t feeling well, and it’s easy to see that her body is really putting her through the ringer right now. She doesn’t feel like eating and the chemo they did last week threw her tastebuds all out of whack, so even when she’s forced to eat, it’s not a pleasant experience.
We did some walking around the ward, and it was nice to see her up and about and more like her old self.
It was still hard to see her, though, because I adore her, and it’s hard to kind of reconcile what’s happening.
I don’t know what the outcome of her treatment is going to be.
Regardless, please think of her or pray for her or send her some good energy, if it’s not too much trouble.
She needs it.
I hope you all had a wonderful week, and I hope your June/summer goals are coming along nicely.
I wish you a lovely upcoming week, too.
Eat well. Be well.