Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Weight Last Week: 249.4 lbs.
Current Weight: 251.6 lbs.
Weekly Change: +2.2 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 66.6 lbs.
At this point, I feel like a broken record.
After spending 10 weeks in the 250s, I was finally able to lose enough weight to bring me to the 240s last week… But then here we are, just one week later, and I’m back up to 251.6 lbs.
When I stepped on the scale and saw this number, I almost cried, and for the first time since starting my journey, I thought to myself, I can’t do this.
I really, really, really struggled today.
I weigh more today then I did on the first weigh-in of June, so if you look at it that way, June was, essentially, a complete waste.
I didn’t lose any weight this month.
Today was my week 42 weigh-in.
Exactly 10 weeks from now, it’ll be my very first re-birthday.
For awhile, I really thought that maybe I’d be one of the lucky ones who’d manage to lose 100 lbs. in one year, but then once time started slowly creeping closer, I realized that I definitely wasn’t going to be one of those people.
And that was OK—I came to terms with that.
Instead, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could lose 100 lbs. by December 12th—the day of my college graduation—but that, too, is now slowly slipping away from me.
December 12, 2015 is 24 weeks from today.
My weekly average these days is a loss of 1.6 lbs.
If I can lose at least 1.6 lbs. each week, then I will have lost 38.4 lbs. by my graduation day.
That’d be a total of 105 lbs. lost.
It’s a nice thought… But I don’t actually believe that it’ll happen.
The only thing that “saved” me today was my Weight Watchers meeting.
The theme this week was Keep Your Why Close By.
My group really managed to have a fantastic discussion today, and I don’t think it could be recreated if you tried to do it a thousand different times.
They helped focus me, at least somewhat.
You see… I have always been bullied for my weight. I’ve never felt like I’ve ever really fit in. I’ve never, ever been comfortable in my own skin—not even when I was a little girl.
And that’s because no one has ever let me feel comfortable.
Boys didn’t ever pay me any attention; I’ve never gotten to go out on a real date or feel like maybe I’m not invisible or that maybe who I am on the inside matters—at least not to the opposite sex.
I’ve never gotten to go shopping with my girlfriends or swap or loan out outfits.
I’ve never gone to a family function in which someone didn’t bring up my weight.
I’ve never been able to go out in public without someone giving me a nasty look or actually making nasty comments to my face.
And I was tired of it.
Sure, I have dreams.
I want to travel. I want to be able to hike 14ers like a true Coloradan. The number one thing on my “bucket list” is hiking the entire AT with my best friend.
So, yeah, sure.
I’d like to lose weight so that I can do those things someday.
But that’s not why I started Weight Watchers—that’s not why I started this journey.
I started it because I wanted other people to notice me, like me, appreciate me.
I wanted guys to take me out on dates.
I wanted to make friends.
I wanted to have people to actually go out with on the weekends so that I could stop sitting at home alone every day.
I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person.
That’s why I started this.
After listening to other people speak during my Weight Watchers meeting, I asked myself some tough questions on the way home.
Do you like yourself?
Do you believe in yourself?
Does it matter who you are on the inside?
Do you value in yourself the same things that you value in others?
What have you done in your life that’s made you proud?
Do you think that being obese devalues anything else that you’ve ever done in your life?
My answers to those questions made me sad.
Because the truth of the matter is, I don’t like myself. I don’t really believe in myself. It doesn’t really matter to me who I am on the inside—not when the outside doesn’t equally or adequately reflect that, at least. I don’t value the same things in myself that I value in others. The only things that I’ve ever really done in my life that I’m truly proud of is earning summa cum laude on my honors thesis and managing to keep a 4.0 in my major throughout my entire undergraduate career. And, yes, I do think that my weight devalues a lot of my other life accomplishments.
I believe exactly what everyone else believes.
So how do I fix that?
After the meeting, several people stopped to tell me that I was a beautiful girl. An older gentleman named Bob stopped me and said, “You are a beautiful young lady, and I would know—I have 78 years of experience dealing with women.” Another woman stopped me and said, “Not only are you beautiful on the outside, but you’re beautiful on the inside, too. You are so encouraging and inspiring, and you have a beautiful soul.” Another woman said, “You look great and you have personality!”
It’d be so nice if I could look in the mirror and see the same things.
My goal for this week is just to make it to another Friday.
I’m not going to do anything crazy or drastic.
I’m just going to continue on—whatever that means.
I hope you all have a lovely week.
I’m sorry that I’m so behind on reading blogs; tonight I’m going to make a cup of tea and do lots of reading and commenting.
Eat well. Be well.