I was on YouTube this morning making a Styx playlist to listen to while cleaning.
Before the video for “Lady” came on, this advertisement for Lean Cuisine played:
When I blogged to you guys this past Friday, I was feeling kind of melancholy (obviously).
One of the questions I asked myself to reflect upon on Friday was, What have you done in your life that’s made you proud?
My answer to that was, The only things that I’ve ever really done in my life that I’m truly proud of is earning summa cum laude on my honors thesis and managing to keep a 4.0 in my major throughout my entire undergraduate career.
On Friday, I didn’t like that answer—I didn’t like it one bit.
Yes, summa cum laude is a big deal, and, yes, maintaining a 4.0 in my major throughout the entirety of my undergraduate career is a big deal, and, yes, the dean’s list nominations that accompanied all of that are a big deal, too… But I couldn’t get past the fact that those are the only things I was/am proud of.
I felt like there should’ve been something else on that list, too.
I was really, really stuck on the whole weight loss thing, which isn’t really surprising, is it?
I’ve been stuck on that since I started this journey.
In my mind, logically, I know that losing 65/66/67/68 lbs. (whatever the heck number I’ve settled on this week) is something that I should be proud of… I tell myself that I should be proud, I vocalize that I’m proud… But I’m actually not… I don’t really feel proud. If a stranger out on the street asked me to describe what I’ve accomplished in life that I’m really proud of, I wouldn’t spout off anything about my weight loss.
Does that mean that it doesn’t matter as much as I thought it does?
And if that’s the case, is that really a bad thing like I originally thought it was?
If a stranger out on the street asked me what I’m proud of, without a second thought, I’d spout off my academic accomplishments because those are the things that first come to mind and those are the things that really matter to me in my heart.
On Friday, I was convinced that part of the reason why I don’t like who I see in the mirror is because I’m not giving credit where credit is due—I’m not acknowledging that my weight loss is awesome and something to be proud of.
But after watching this advertisement, I’m starting to think that maybe the fact that the weight loss isn’t as important to me as some of the other things I’ve done in my life is actually a good thing; maybe this train of thought is actually what’s going to get me to the healthy place that I need to be.
Because I’m more than the numbers on the scale.
I have done something in my life that I’m proud of that is way more important to me than my weight loss.
And although I’m no where close to where I need to be mentally, I think that realizing this is a really good start.