Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Weight Last Week: 245.6 lbs.
Current Weight: 246.4 lbs.
Weekly Change: +0.8 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 71.8 lbs.
I need to start by making a very serious confession in the name of full disclosure: I binged last Saturday.
Yes… It’s true.
After being binge-free for more than 10 months’ time, I had a relapse on Saturday.
And it was horrifying.
Last Friday, after my Weight Watchers meeting, I decided to buy a 12-pack box of Weight Watchers Coconut Dream Bars because they were on sale (they were less than half of the normal price!). These things are pretty much advertised to be a direct comparison to Samoas (you know—the Girl Scout cookie), so I was immediately interested. I figured, Hey… what’s the worst that could happen? They are prepackaged, individually wrapped bars. I can handle granola bars. I can handle Larabars. I can handle ice cream, for goodness sake. What’s the harm in buying these?
The bars were 2 PointsPlus each.
I had one in my car as soon as I left my meeting.
Then I had one at home a few hours later.
And then another before bed.
I broke my golden rule on Friday: I used 2 of my weekly points to have that last bar.
These things were incredibly dangerous for me—the trigger of all triggers, apparently—and I knew it the second I put it in my mouth… But I didn’t do a damn thing about it.
I just kept eating.
On Saturday, I started to lose my grip on the program. The binge started when I decided to eat a couple of rolls of Pez candy. Then I had a Chips Ahoy cookie. And then I ate maybe half a bag of turkey pepperoni. And then some chips… And suddenly there was absolutely no end in sight. I could not stop eating even though I knew exactly what I was doing.
I saw that box of Coconut Dream Bars and I just lost it.
I ate the rest of the box.
9 candy bars in one sitting.
There’s really nothing I can say about this. I’m at a loss for words, even now, nearly a week later. I’m embarrassed, but I’ve been adamant about providing full disclosure on the blog since day one… So here it is.
I’m human, I’m an addict, and I am constantly trying to better my life, but sometimes the addiction wins. Not every day is a good day—some days, in fact, are actually really, really bad. I don’t have some candy coated, deep, logical explanation for what happened. Was I hungry? No—not in the physical sense, at least. I was obviously hungry for something else, but I chose to try to feed that hunger with food, and that was the wrong choice. I let myself down—absolutely… But I did not fail myself. I am OK—really. I fell down, but I picked myself up, and I’m moving on.
I’d be lying if I said that this week was a good one.
I was in a bit of a funk after the binge on Saturday. I didn’t continue to overeat per say, but I also didn’t make the best of decisions throughout the rest of the week, either.
For the first time since starting Weight Watchers, I didn’t track everything. There were plenty of BLTs (bites, licks, and tastes) that went undocumented… And if I’m being really honest, I probably blew through all 49 of my weekly points last week even though my tracker said I still had 27 left.
I wasn’t honest with myself, and that was not a good feeling.
My choices wavered constantly throughout the week, too. I stopped listening to my body’s hunger signals and let my mind dictate the show instead. I went out to a late lunch with my aunt on Monday, and instead of choosing something healthy, I got a fried buffalo chicken tender wrap with lettuce, tomato, and avocado. Instead of eating half of it (aka, a normal portion size), I ate the whole thing. I took second helpings of dinners when I didn’t need a second helping. I didn’t bother to eat many fruits or veggies either.
All in all… My decisions were very, very questionable.
So as far as I’m concerned, that 0.8 lb. gain that I saw today was a miracle.
I own it. Wholeheartedly.
And I’m thanking the weight loss gods that it wasn’t a heck of a lot more.
Yesterday was grocery day, and I always feel so much better with a full fridge.
I’m stocked up on fruits and veggies and all sorts of other healthy food, and I’ve done a week’s worth of meal planning, too. I feel very prepared for this week, and I feel 100% in control.
This binge isn’t going to deter me.
I’m going to hit the 230s before summer draws to a close, and I’m also going to wake up on the morning of September 12th—the day I am now referring to as my rebirthday—and I am going to have something to celebrate: I’m going to celebrate the happier, healthier woman that I’ve become over the past year, and no amount of binging is going to take that away from me.
I’ve come too far to quit.
So I won’t.
Have a wonderful week.
Eat well. Be well.