Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Last Weigh-in Weight: 239.6 lbs.
Last Week’s Weight: 238.8 lbs.
Weekly Change: –0.8 lbs.
Current Weight: 241.2 lbs.
Weekly Change: +2.4 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 77 lbs.
Is anybody out there?!
My blog has recently gone quiet, as have the blogs of many of my fellow weight loss companions. Have you all been having the same sorts of problems as me? Have you lost your motivation? Have you run out of encouraging words to spew?
These last few months have been really, really hard—maybe the hardest of my entire life. Since the first week of May, I’ve been on an up and down roller coaster with my weight, and I’ve definitely lost my way somewhat. I am stumbling much more these days than I was in the early days, and it’s pretty terrifying. I’ve lost much of my gusto—much of my will and determination that was so plentiful in the beginning…
And, to top it off, I haven’t felt much like blogging.
Truthfully, I haven’t felt much like doing anything that’s really beneficial to my health and wellbeing.
The things that were so incredibly beneficial to me in the beginning of my journey have almost totally fallen to the wayside… And I’m truthfully not sure how to turn this around. I feel like I’m trapped on a sinking ship (the same analogy I used two weeks ago), and a big part of me just wants to go down without a fight.
Last week was my rebirthday—my one year anniversary with Weight Watchers. I didn’t manage to lose a full 80 lbs., but I came pretty darn close at 79.4 lbs. lost.
It was a happy day, and I felt good about my success.
I shared my success story with Weight Watchers Colorado, and more than 300 people reached out to me via social media to talk about my progress. It was incredibly inspiring, and it made me feel good about myself.
Not good enough to starve off several major binges—binges that led to me blowing through all 49 of my weeklies and ending up taking me into the negatives—but still good, I guess.
This last week was horrible. It was, by far, my worst week on Weight Watchers to date. I ate 13 PPV ice cream treats that went untracked. Seafood salad that was loaded with mayo. A restaurant tuna melt that was the size of my face, which I washed down with a margarita. Pizza. Pasta. Chocolate. Half a package of Oreo thins. An entire loaf of garlic bread with a PPV of about 23. The list goes on.
I knew exactly what I was doing, and I had absolutely no regard for my own wellbeing whatsoever.
It’s a miracle that I only gained 2.4 lbs. this week; I was expecting several more pounds due to the sodium alone.
I wasn’t embarrassed or upset by what I’d done until this morning when I went to weigh-in at Weight Watchers. The staff was expecting me to hit 80 lbs. down today, and I think they were just as disappointed, if not more so, than I was that I had a gain. When my leader, Stephanie, asked me what was different about this week, I made up a story because I was too embarrassed to cop to the fact that after all of my nonsensical spewing of inspiration the week before to Weight Watchers Colorado, I went on a bender to end all benders.
It was horrifying, and my thoughts turned fairly dark at the meeting.
I expressed my concerns and vented my problems to my peers, and while their words were nice and as supportive as always, for the first time they weren’t helpful at all. Nothing that was said today was enough to pull me out of my funk.
I’ve managed to get that far off the beaten path, I guess.
Yesterday I went to the Denver Art Museum to see their latest exhibit, “In Bloom,” and it was wonderful. I had an amazing time, and I found myself very, very happy to be there. It was great “me time.” I love art—viewing it and creating it—so art shows are a lot of fun for me.
The day was perfect except for one thing: I had trouble walking.
As I trekked multiple floors of the museum and walked in and out of rooms and up and down stairs, I was sweating and huffing and puffing and I actually had to sit down and rest several different times. I spent the majority of the day there at the museum, and I figure that in between all of my resting and stops to actually view the artwork, I walked for a good two hours.
But it was hard work.
It’s obvious that I’ve really let myself get out of shape again, even though I’ve still continued to lose weight.
I need to work on this, but, again, I’ve lost the motivation.
The reality of the situation is, I’ve been doing this for a full year now, and I’ve hit an emotional plateau. I’ve said from the get-go that having my mind right is an equally important part of this process, and my mind checked out months ago.
I’m not ready to quit just yet, but I am incredibly frustrated and discouraged.
I feel angry and upset with myself, but I’m going to continue on anyway.
Words of wisdom and encouragement are of no help to me right now. The only one who can help me is me, and I need to figure out how to get back on track and pull my life together again.
It’s going to be hard, but it’s something I’ve got to do.
I hope you’re all doing well. I miss our interactions, and I miss reading your blogs. If you’re out there, drop me a line and let me know how you are. Are you struggling like me?
Eat well. Be well.