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Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Last Weigh-in Weight: 239.6 lbs.
Last Week’s Weight: 238.8 lbs.
Weekly Change: –0.8 lbs.
Current Weight: 241.2 lbs.
Weekly Change: +2.4 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 77 lbs.

Hi, friends.

Is anybody out there?!

My blog has recently gone quiet, as have the blogs of many of my fellow weight loss companions. Have you all been having the same sorts of problems as me? Have you lost your motivation? Have you run out of encouraging words to spew?

These last few months have been really, really hard—maybe the hardest of my entire life. Since the first week of May, I’ve been on an up and down roller coaster with my weight, and I’ve definitely lost my way somewhat. I am stumbling much more these days than I was in the early days, and it’s pretty terrifying. I’ve lost much of my gusto—much of my will and determination that was so plentiful in the beginning…

And, to top it off, I haven’t felt much like blogging.

Truthfully, I haven’t felt much like doing anything that’s really beneficial to my health and wellbeing.

The things that were so incredibly beneficial to me in the beginning of my journey have almost totally fallen to the wayside… And I’m truthfully not sure how to turn this around. I feel like I’m trapped on a sinking ship (the same analogy I used two weeks ago), and a big part of me just wants to go down without a fight.

I’m tired.

Last week was my rebirthday—my one year anniversary with Weight Watchers. I didn’t manage to lose a full 80 lbs., but I came pretty darn close at 79.4 lbs. lost.

It was a happy day, and I felt good about my success.

I shared my success story with Weight Watchers Colorado, and more than 300 people reached out to me via social media to talk about my progress. It was incredibly inspiring, and it made me feel good about myself.

Not good enough to starve off several major binges—binges that led to me blowing through all 49 of my weeklies and ending up taking me into the negatives—but still good, I guess.

This last week was horrible. It was, by far, my worst week on Weight Watchers to date. I ate 13 PPV ice cream treats that went untracked. Seafood salad that was loaded with mayo. A restaurant tuna melt that was the size of my face, which I washed down with a margarita. Pizza. Pasta. Chocolate. Half a package of Oreo thins. An entire loaf of garlic bread with a PPV of about 23. The list goes on.

I knew exactly what I was doing, and I had absolutely no regard for my own wellbeing whatsoever.

It’s a miracle that I only gained 2.4 lbs. this week; I was expecting several more pounds due to the sodium alone.

I wasn’t embarrassed or upset by what I’d done until this morning when I went to weigh-in at Weight Watchers. The staff was expecting me to hit 80 lbs. down today, and I think they were just as disappointed, if not more so, than I was that I had a gain. When my leader, Stephanie, asked me what was different about this week, I made up a story because I was too embarrassed to cop to the fact that after all of my nonsensical spewing of inspiration the week before to Weight Watchers Colorado, I went on a bender to end all benders.

It was horrifying, and my thoughts turned fairly dark at the meeting.

I expressed my concerns and vented my problems to my peers, and while their words were nice and as supportive as always, for the first time they weren’t helpful at all. Nothing that was said today was enough to pull me out of my funk.

I’ve managed to get that far off the beaten path, I guess.

Yesterday I went to the Denver Art Museum to see their latest exhibit, “In Bloom,” and it was wonderful. I had an amazing time, and I found myself very, very happy to be there. It was great “me time.” I love art—viewing it and creating it—so art shows are a lot of fun for me.

The day was perfect except for one thing: I had trouble walking.

As I trekked multiple floors of the museum and walked in and out of rooms and up and down stairs, I was sweating and huffing and puffing and I actually had to sit down and rest several different times. I spent the majority of the day there at the museum, and I figure that in between all of my resting and stops to actually view the artwork, I walked for a good two hours.

But it was hard work.

It’s obvious that I’ve really let myself get out of shape again, even though I’ve still continued to lose weight.

I need to work on this, but, again, I’ve lost the motivation.

The reality of the situation is, I’ve been doing this for a full year now, and I’ve hit an emotional plateau. I’ve said from the get-go that having my mind right is an equally important part of this process, and my mind checked out months ago.

I’m not ready to quit just yet, but I am incredibly frustrated and discouraged.

I feel angry and upset with myself, but I’m going to continue on anyway.

Words of wisdom and encouragement are of no help to me right now. The only one who can help me is me, and I need to figure out how to get back on track and pull my life together again.

It’s going to be hard, but it’s something I’ve got to do.

I hope you’re all doing well. I miss our interactions, and I miss reading your blogs. If you’re out there, drop me a line and let me know how you are. Are you struggling like me?

Eat well. Be well.



7 thoughts on “241.2

  1. Hi – I’m still here – still rooting for you – still impressed that you have kept your blogging up long after I ran out of steam. I hit my weight watchers target for just one week and the determination to keep going has been hard to maintain and there’s been times when I’ve skipped meetings for fear of the scales. I like home cooking, I like eating without counting points or calories, I like food! There’s lots of reasons why I eat too much, sometimes I need to pack my food for the day to reassure myself I won’t starve, there’s people out there who long to be as well provided for as I am and I need to be greatful for blessings beyond what I appreciate. You’re right, it is only my attitude and actions that will make a difference. Don’t be too hard on yourself, but it may just be you being hard on yourself that gets you back on the track you want to be. Keep friends and family close to you for when you need them and when they need you – and an ’emergency apple’ in your bag for when the ‘I gotta eat NOW!’ feeling hits! Hang in there x Rachel

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi! I am so glad that you are still out there! I hope you’re continuing to fight the good fight, too!

      I know exactly what you mean about just loving to eat! I LOVE FOOD! I love to cook and bake, I love to go out to eat, I love to go out for a beer, I love to grocery shop! I am, 100%, a food lover… That makes it hard, though, to stay on track! Just last night I found myself daydreaming about greasy diner food… I kept wondering if I could “get away with” going and eating one TERRIBLE meal and then staying on track the rest of the week… I decided that the answer is NO. I cannot handle doing something so totally out of control because it will take me WEEKS to get back on track again.

      It’s so hard!

      I hope you are doing well, and I hope you come back to the blogging world eventually! I will be here waiting for your return! ❤


  2. I’m still here, but at a stand still. I’ve maintained the same weight for months now, but have no motivation to actually lose weight. I still read blogs, but have no motivation to actually comment (other than right now to you :p) I hope that you find the drive to push through that I cannot find in myself!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Brittany–I miss you, lady!

      I hope you are hanging in there! Reach out to me on Facebook if you ever want to chat about this! I know how hard this is. I feel like I’ve wasted the last month and a half; I’ve been making one bad decision after another! But, FINALLY, I think I’ve gotten myself under control.

      My advice to you is to go back and read some of your old blogs or old Instagram posts. I’ve spent the last couple of days going through my blogs, and it’s given me some insight. I know what I need to adjust my attitude to to succeed again, I think, because there’s a definite change in my tone about midway through my blogging. I stopped being thankful for ANY amount of progress and I started getting greedy and impatient. I was spoiled by weight loss! When things stopped being so “easy,” I started binging again! It’s all here, in black and white, and it’s made me realize that I need to go back to the beginning again…

      So you might be surprised, too, at what you find if you just go through your old stuff.

      I am hoping you get back on the horse! I’m always here for you, and I want to help you in any way possible! I hope you know that you’re not alone in your struggles! XO. ❤


  3. Hi Rachel,
    I’ve been reading your post but haven’t made any comments. I noticed when you didn’t post sent a couple of notes on your “Contact Me” page. Then you made a post and I didn’t worry.
    I so enjoyed your pictures the last post. You’re really looking good. Be proud of 77 pounds lost and in such a short time too.
    I’ve been where you are so many times before. I’m a WW dropout, but then I’m a dropout on all diets. I have failed every diet I ever tried. That’s why I don’t diet in any form.
    I only have three rules. Eat three meals a day. No snacks. Eat half portions. (Doesn’t matter what you eat.)
    I’m wondering if you just need a change, rather a vacation from your program. Take a break. Stop counting points for a week (or two) and try my rules for a short time period.
    I weighed 241 when I started this way of eating. It took me two years to lose 87 pounds, but it’s been easy for me to stick with this.
    I cried out to God and He led me to eat this way. I’ve never heard of it before, but now it seems a lot of people are doing this.
    My weight has been up n down the past few weeks as well due to what I ate or drank. I have only three pounds to goal, but I’m not stressing over it.
    I do feel that you need the support from your WW group. So no matter what you use to lose, don’t give up your group. Don’t give up on your victory.
    I’m so sorry that I haven’t been making comments lately. I feel like I let you down when you needed the most support. Is your extra family member still with your family? Didn’t he take up part of your room? That could be part of the problem, family issues and especially no priavacy. There’s probably a lot going on that you’re not writing about but it’s affecting you. We tend to eat our life pressures, anger, disappointments, boredom, etc. Could it be you’re overeating just to deal with the emotional stresses? It’s easier to overeat to deal with other people than it is to rock the boat. I know, been there, done that.
    Dear friend, there is a lot of us pulling for you. If you ask why, in my case it’s what I’ve already goned through. I don’t what you to go through years of struggles and failures. No, for you my young friend there is a whole lifetime full of victories, blessings, and love to come. You don’t have to live in 41 years of failures like I did. Make that choice to get up and start over.
    Praying for your victory,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, lovely Debbie! ❤

      I responded to your emails and sent you a couple of notes back with my personal (non-blog-related) contact information. Did you get those messages? I would love it if you had a better way to contact me if I happen to be absent from the blog!

      You have, by no means, let me down! I understand that life happens and people get busy and blogging falls to the wayside—it's happened to me, too! It's OK! I am not worried about it. What I was actually worried about was the lack of posts I was seeing from OTHER people. The new posts in my reader are few and far between these days! I have been struggling (as you can see from my posts), and I wondered if everyone else's lack of posts indicated the same thing—that everyone was struggling!

      Weight Watchers works for me, so long as I have the will and desire to do what I'm "supposed" to do. I had no desire to make healthy choices these past couple of weeks, so I didn't! It was a horrible, vicious cycle. I think, though, that I'm finally out of the woods (fingers crossed)!

      Thank you, as always, for your kindness and your thoughts and prayers! They are so very appreciated.

      And, yes, you're correct—my uncle is still currently living with me. That has, indeed, been a cause for stress… mostly because he's not big on healthy eating. There's junk food galore in my house these days, and it's been very, very tough on me. As a food addict, I'm sure you can imagine how difficult it's been to stare bags and bags of chocolate in the face!

      It's not been pretty.

      Hopefully, though, things are on the upward climb now! I feel much better, I had a good week, and I feel hopeful again.

      Thanks for being here, Debbie! It's great to hear from you! XO ❤


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