240.2 (…Again? Maybe?)

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Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Last Weigh-in Weight: 241.2 lbs.
Weigh-in #55 Weight: 240.8 lbs.
Weekly Change: –0.4 lbs.
Weigh-in #56 Weight: 240.8 lbs.
Weekly Change: +/– 0.0 lbs.
Current Weight: 240.2 lbs.
Weekly Change: –0.6 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: –78 lbs.

Hello, my dear friends!

It’s been two weeks of radio silence on my end, and I do apologize for that.

As you can probably guess from the aforementioned weight stats, my time away from the blog has not been productive.

I did a lot of mini-binging, overeating, stress eating, boredom eating, etc. while I was away.

At my Weight Watchers meeting two weeks ago (weigh-in #55), I burst into tears in front of everyone at the meeting because I just felt so out of sorts. I talked about how I felt goalless and directionless, how my mindset had changed in some ways but not in others, and just, generally, how lacking in motivation I found myself to be.

When my leader, Stephanie, asked me how I saw myself these days, that’s when I lost it and the tears started flowing. In front of all of my weight loss peers, I tearfully answered her: I still see myself way bigger than I actually am.

When I wrote to you guys several weeks ago, I posted some pictures and told the story of my latest Old Navy escapade. I was so happy that I fit into those regulars—more happy than I ever could’ve imagined.

What I didn’t realize, at the time, though, is something I’ve forced myself to think long and hard about in the weeks since then: the idea that that was a major milestone.

Being able to fit into “regular” clothes and, subsequently, being able to then shop at any store I want, was a major goal of mine, albeit a subconscious one. And, although I didn’t tell you this at the time, I made a MAJOR mistake when I tried on those jeans and t-shirts—a mistake that I think is at the heart and soul of my recent setbacks: I looked in the mirror and told myself that I’d be OK with staying like this forever.

What I weigh now is the smallest I’ve ever weighed in my adult life (something you’re all well aware of at this point) and the last time I can remember being remotely close to this weight was when I was about 15-years-old.

Am I happy with where I am? No, not really… But, in turn, am I unhappy with where I am either? Again, no, not really….

The things happening inside my head these days are a little jumbled (But what’s new, right? Things have been jumbled and disconnected in there for a long, long time now…). But, in a weird way, I’m kind of… content, I guess?

The thing is, I no longer completely hate the way I look; I don’t always shy away from photos; and I don’t live in a constant state of despair now either. Some days, I actually feel normal… and I guess that’s why I’d technically be OK living my life at this weight.

I guess what I’m saying is that if I absolutely, positively had to stay this size, I would be OK. I wouldn’t absolutely hate my life, ya know?

Even though all of that is true, I still should never have said it and, thus, given myself permission to start slacking off and entertaining bad, old habits again. I should never have even entertained the idea that 230-someodd pounds is an OK weight… I should’ve just kept going.

But I didn’t.

It’s taken a lot of internal battles with myself and a lot of soul searching, but I think I’m finally back on track and my mind is back to where it needs to be.

After talking to Stephanie (my leader) and Sade and Bobbie (a few of the other Weight Watchers staff members) as well as my meeting friends, Alison, and my new friend, Jay, that I met via the Weight Watchers Colorado Facebook page, I decided that I needed to switch up my routine, make some new goals, and remember why this journey is so, so, so important.

My new friend Jay has been an incredible light at the end of the tunnel. He and I started at a very similar weight, so I feel a sense of kinship to him in the way that I do to so many of you that have been with me from the get-go that had starting weights in the high 200s or in the 300s.

Weighing over 300 lbs. (or at least very close to it) is a different sort of fat. I have told you guys before that I believe that the 300 lb. threshold is the weight mark where things really and truly take a turn towards the darkside—mentally and physically.

For people that have never been that weight, it’s very, very difficult to understand… Which is why (sometimes, at least) I feel disconnected from Stephanie and everyone else at my meeting.

No one there has ever been as big as me, so although I know that they all know what it’s like to be fat and miserable, and although I genuinely care for and about them all, they don’t know what it’s like to be THIS fat and miserable—to have to literally lose half of yourself during your weight loss journey.

Meeting Jay via Weight Watchers Colorado has been awesome because he does know what it’s like to have to take this journey at my size.

He’s been a great source of support and motivation for me these days, and I think it’s safe to say that without him, I probably wouldn’t feel back on track right now.

Jay is planning to participate in a half marathon in November, and when I heard that, I was a little envious. Last time I wrote to you guys, I mentioned that my fitness has slipped to the wayside again. I told Jay that that’s what I needed to focus on these days—my fitness—and that I would love to someday work my way up to a 5K.

His response?

He offered to do a 5K with me!

You all know about my bad knee, so as you can imagine, running is (most likely) out for me. My plan is to really work on walking and complete the race that way—as quickly as possible without running it.

Jay has agreed to let me set the pace, so I’m hoping I can kick up the walking a couple of notches and we can really make great time!

As of last Friday, we are officially registered for the Rudolph Ramble on December 6th that’ll be taking place in Downtown Denver, so I have about two months to prepare.

I am super excited, but also a little nervous since this is so foreign to me.

But, it’s a done deal: I’m doing it. We are registered, I made the commitment, and I will finish that race, even if I have to crawl over the finish line (which I don’t think will happen, but you never know!).

It’s the dawn of a new day; I’ve officially set another goal.

Working towards things has always worked in the past, so I think this will be great motivation.

I’m no longer on track to be down 100 lbs. by my college graduation, but que sera sera.

I would, at the very least, like to drop another 10-12 lbs. because I think that’ll put me in a size 12 dress for graduation. I tried on a size 14 dress a week ago and it fit (although it was a little tighter than I’m used to), so another 10-12 lbs. lost should probably bring me down another size, if I’m lucky.

We’ll just have to wait and see.

Today I’m going to leave you with a photo that was snapped of me a week ago. For once, I don’t totally hate it, and the difference I can see in myself via this photo is amazing:

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I hope you’re all well. Drop me a line; I miss my community!

Eat well. Be well.



2 thoughts on “240.2 (…Again? Maybe?)

  1. Dear Rachel,
    It was so good to hear your report. I have been so worried about you and I have prayed for you.

    I’m so glad you have found another friend to inspire and encourage you. I’m looking forward to hearing a good report on your run.

    I’m so glad you didn’t give up. You now are where I was. If I , an old woman can find victory through Gods help, so can you.

    I dropped out of WW due to discouragement three times and struggled with my weight for 41 years. I don’t want that for you. I want you to meet all your goals while you are young and accomplish much good with your life. By the way the picture of you is beautiful because you are.
    Keep on, keepin on. Your victory is ahead.


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