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Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Weight Last Week: 240.2 lbs.
Current Weight: 240.4 lbs.
Weekly Change: +0.2 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 77.8 lbs.

Hello, friends!

I am a happy camper today. In fact, I’ve been a pretty happy camper all week.

The scale said I was up 0.2 lbs. this week, but this time around, the scale was not a good measurement of my progress at all.

This week I ate well (aside from 2-ish days where I went over my daily allotted points by a fairly generous amount), I exercised substantially more than I normally do, and my attitude, overall, was just much, much better.

Things feel like they’re finally improving; I feel like I’m on the up and up again.

I feel better.

When I wrote to you guys last week, I mentioned my new friend, Jay, and our plans to do a 5K in December.

Well, this week, Jay came out to a park/nature preserve near my home, and we did a walk on both Tuesday and Thursday.

When we walked on Tuesday, I was internally kicking myself: I felt really, really out of shape. Things that had become relatively easy for me earlier in the year back when I was doing things with you guys out in the blogosphere like the 1,000 Extra Steps Challenge had fallen totally to the wayside, and I hadn’t realized that until the very moment that I was out on the trail with Jay and hit a wall about 2 miles in… I actually thought I was going to vomit.

My dog and I are still doing our daily walks, but they were nothing compared to what I found myself doing with Jay on Tuesday.

By the time we finished that afternoon, I was hot, sweaty, and tired—and also more than a little irritated with myself for, once again, letting myself get this out of shape.

However, in spite of all that, there was also another feeling gnawing in the pit of my stomach that day, too: happiness.

As soon as we finished and I got back in my car, I started thinking about how genuinely good I felt. I was, first and foremost, happy that I accomplished something out of my comfort zone, but I also noticed that I physically felt better, too! My immediate thought was that this is what’s been missing.

My desire to eat (or should I say overeat) disappeared, too.

Afterwards, I told Jay that I think it’s basically impossible to go out and work that hard and then go home and eat terrible food. I worked way too hard to go off on a bender—I felt way too good to throw it all away for a pizza.

For the past several weeks, I felt directionless and out of sorts. I felt stuck, I was unhappy, and I was entertaining old, bad habits and turning to food in my time of distress.

I think my body was, in all seriousness, begging me to exert myself more, though—I truly believe that that’s what was wrong.

Over the past couple of months (really since I started having back problems back in April), I’ve let myself become exceedingly lazy, and when you’re sitting on the couch, spending too much time in front of the TV or with your nose glued to the pages of a book, you find yourself with a whole lot more time to mindlessly and aimlessly eat!

I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure out the problem, but thank goodness I finally did!

When we did our walk again yesterday, the improvement I saw and felt within myself was pretty noticeable. Yesterday we walked a bit further, we increased the pace, and when it was all said and done, I felt a lot better, too.

I found that I didn’t hit a wall this second time around—I didn’t start to feel sick or feel like I couldn’t complete what I’d started.

I still exerted enough energy that I felt good about what I did and felt like I pushed myself, but I didn’t feel quite so out of shape this time.

Our plan—at the moment—is to continue to get together twice a week to keep walking and preparing for the 5K, and I feel good about this.

If I can keep this up, I really think I’ll do OK in December when it’s time to do the 5K—I think I’ll be able to do it, and I think I have a chance at making good time, and, most importantly, I think I am going to start to feel much, much better now that I’ve decided to make a commitment to consistently do this!

In other news, last Saturday, I was contacted by Weight Watchers and asked to participate in their Live Success Stories program.

This coming Tuesday night, I, along with a few other ladies, will be telling my story to whomever decides to show up to the event.

We’re going to get up there and lay it all on the line—we’re going to tell them why we came to Weight Watchers, how we’ve made the program work, and we’re going to try to make others see that success is something that’s possible if you want it bad enough and you work hard enough for it.

When I was first asked to do this, my immediate response was that I’d think about it; I didn’t immediately commit.

I couldn’t figure out, for the life of me, why I, of all people, was chosen to do this.

I’m not at goal (yet).

I have “only” lost 78 lbs.

When you look at me, for all intents and purposes, I am still a fat girl.

So who in the world is going to think of me as a success story?!

Then, the more I thought about it and the more I talked it over with some of my fellow Weight Watchers, the more I realized that maybe I could, indeed, help someone by getting up there and telling my story—by standing up there and saying, “Yes, I do still have about 75 lbs. left to lose, but you know what? I am a success, and so are you.”

Because… can’t you be considered successful while you’re still in the midst of your journey? Aren’t you capable of amazing things after an almost 80-lb. drop in weight, even if you aren’t at goal yet? Isn’t  it possible that maybe I have something valuable to say? That I have a perspective that’s worth sharing?

When I think of who I was just over a year ago, all I can remember about myself is how extremely unhappy and miserable I was—no matter the occasion. I remember how embarrassed I always was, how physically limited I felt, and how emotionally distressed I was.

I remember never being asked out. Missing my high school prom. Being horrified when I saw my high school graduation photos. Being humiliated when I realized that fitting into desks on my college campus was nearly impossible. Feeling like I was too fat to have a “normal” college experience because it was too hard for me to trek across campus. Isolating myself to drown in my misery. Binging on pizzas and burgers and breakfast burritos until I had to crawl to the bathroom on my hands and knees to be sick. Realizing that my size 22 jeans were bursting at the seams.

I also remember walking into Weight Watchers and thinking that it wasn’t going to work—that having to lose literally half of myself was going to be impossible, especially when I’d failed so many times before—when no diets had worked for me.

I remember thinking that I had two choices: that I could either make Weight Watchers work somehow, or I could finally pull the trigger on some kind of gastric surgery, but either way, something had to be done.

I remember feeling helpless and like I was truly, truly, truly at the end of my rope.

I remember feeling scared and ashamed and like I was never, ever going to be able to have a normal life.

At just 21-years-old, I remember feeling like my life was over.

And now, I feel none of those things. None of them.

Just last week, I told you that I sometimes feel normal and that that sense of normality is what’s screwed me up these past couple of weeks. Now I KNOW that I am capable of doing this—I’m already halfway there—and that desperation is gone.

I’m a new woman now, and my struggles these days are because I have hope—not because I’m lacking it!

I lost some of my motivation—at least partially—because my desperation and misery have all but disappeared… and in the grand scheme of things, that’s absolutely incredible.

It’s incredible to not wake up every single morning and hate your life.

And that’s what I’m going to tell them on Tuesday night.

To those of you out there reading and lurking—maybe those of you that haven’t been doing so well on your journeys lately—talk to me. I want, more than anything, for all of us to get back on track.

Earlier in the year, we were all so happy and motivated—please, let’s try to help each other get back to that point.

We can’t live like this, you guys. All the food in the world isn’t going to fix our lives or grant us any lasting happiness.

We have to get back on the horse.

We’re worth it.

Eat well. Be well.



4 thoughts on “240.4

  1. You inspire me Rachael. You make me want to keep pushing. You pour your heart out on here and leave nothing protected. I envy you. I envy that strength. I envy that courage. And your commitment to improving your health and your life is amazing. The path you’re walking will lead to the most amazing, fulfilling and joyous places. I count myself so lucky to be included in your journey at whatever degree possible. Knowing you, watching you regain your strength, seeing the changes in you makes me want to do better, to be better and develop the courage and strength that you show daily. Thank you.


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