242.4 … and an Apology and Thanksgiving Ramblings!

Screen Shot 2015-11-21 at 11.22.08 AM

Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Last Posted Weight: 236.6 lbs.
Weigh-in #62 Weight: 238.6 lbs.
Weekly Change: +2 lbs.
Weigh-in #63 Weight: 242.4 lbs.
Weekly Change: +3.8 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 75.8 lbs.


Hello, my dear friends, and happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans!

I don’t want to ramble on too much about my weight because, honestly, that’s not what I want to focus on today, of all days, but I owe you an update (and an apology!) after leaving you hanging for two weeks, so here it is, plain and simple: I messed up.

That’s pretty apparent, I think, from the aforementioned weight stats.

This is, obviously, not the first time I’ve gained a couple of pounds; all you have to do is take a gander at my weigh-in page and you’ll see that I’ve had my fair share of small gains over the course of the past almost-15-months.

But this? This was the result of excessive binging.

Last week, when I managed to gain almost 4 lbs., I went absolutely, positively off the rails. I ate whatever I wanted, and that’s no exaggeration. I ate fast food whenever I wanted; one day I even had it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I had ice cream bars, ice cream cake, candy bars, Diet Coke, donuts, chips—you name it, I probably ate it.

And although it’s not a good excuse, here’s why I did what I did:

My dog, Charlie Brown, has been very, very sick. He’s been in and out of the hospital due to something called hemorrhagic gastroenteritis (which I think I mentioned, somewhat briefly, in my last post). I thought he’d recovered, but almost as soon as I ran out of his allotted amount of medication and started to ween him back onto his dry kibble, things took a turn for the worse and we ended up having to start all over.

I racked up over $2,000 worth of vet bills, plus there is the added expense of now having to indefinitely buy prescription food for him that’s running about $100 per month… Not to mention the fact that I’m in the final weeks of my undergraduate career and am preparing for finals and graduation within the next two weeks, too… So I was (am?) stressed, to say the least.

And I got tired of counting—of having to try so hard to keep things together. I am addicted to food, and I have an eating disorder that I am trying so, so hard to recover from… and when I went on this bender last week, all I could think was, “I missed this so much, and this is way, way, way too enjoyable.”  I imagine that how I felt last week is exactly how a drug addict would feel after being sober for a decent amount of time and then, stupidly, allowing themselves to take a hit. It was a dangerous sort of pleasure… I knew I was in a world of trouble, but I just kept going; I was too far gone, at that point, to stop myself.

The point is: I still struggle… and I will probably struggle for the rest of my life. I almost think these days are more difficult than the beginning of my journey, honestly… But it’s hard to tell.

I’m up about 6 lbs. right now, but this week has been a pretty good one, so I’m hopeful that the scale will show something in my favor tomorrow.

Even though it’s hard to do, I know that it’s essential that I move on from these past two weeks. What happened, happened. I can’t move forward if I’m looking backwards, and I can’t move forward if I continue to beat myself up and belittle everything else that I’ve done to get me to this point—which, by the way, is still nearly 76 lbs. lighter than I was just 15 months ago.

Which is still a huge accomplishment.

So that’s all I have to say about that.


Today is Thanksgiving here in the states, and, so far, mine hasn’t made the top five.

It’s hard to be the only one in your family who really and truly cares about health—which is a bummer if your family is like mine, meaning the majority of them are overweight/obese.

My dad threw his portion of my lightened up party potatoes in the trash, complained about my open-faced, healthy honey apple pie, and bated me into a heated conversation about my life-long struggle with my weight (which, apparently, he played no part in—please note my sarcasm here).

I have to come to terms with the fact that my family is never going to take their health seriously—that’s just the sad fact of the matter. My uncle (the one staying with me) is a diabetic, and he makes absolutely no attempt to control that or change his diet to improve his health, and he also finds time to argue with me at every turn about what is and is not healthy. My dad is pushing 300 lbs. and looks like he could have a heart attack at any moment, and all the man does is eat; he eats when he’s bored, he eats when something is “just too good to pass up,” he eats even when he doesn’t really like something—that’s just who he is.

My mother is, surprisingly, pretty supportive, but she’s not crazy about my healthy food either (and if she eats something she doesn’t like, she has no problem letting me know)… However, she never makes comments about my weight, and she never baits me with food or criticizes my choices. She’s pretty mum about it all, and she tells my dad to knock it off if he starts to get out of hand with the whole issue, so I think she probably agrees with me on some level but just refuses to say it aloud herself—probably because it’s simply easier to stay silent.

But it’s hard for me. I am headstrong and sensitive, and I don’t respond well to criticism—whereas criticism motivates some people because they have this “I’m going to prove you wrong!” attitude, for me it’s different… I carry those comments with me forever, and they always plant a seed of doubt.

But oh well.

This Thanksgiving, I have so much to be thankful for.

This time last year, I weighed in on Black Friday at 288.4 lbs. I’d lost a grand total of 29.8 lbs. on my health journey at that point, and I still looked huge—no one aside from my dear friend, Scott, noticed that I’d lost any weight.

My first weigh-in of November this year (before I messed up) saw me at my lowest adult weight of 236.6 lbs.—which means, even with my 6 lb. gain, I still weigh around 50 lbs. less this year than I did last year!

My sweet Charlie Brown seems to be on the mend, so his puppy kisses and snuggles that are the very best part of each and every one of my days are things I will, hopefully, get to continue to enjoy for years to come.

Some of my incredible friends started a GoFundMe page that raised over $1,400 to help me with Charlie’s veterinary bills.

I am graduating summa cum laude from the University of Colorado in 16 days, and yes—that does make me hotter by one degree, in case you were wondering!

I have a roof over my head, food on my table, and people that love me.

So why do I bother complaining? And why do I let the negativity get to me?


I hope you’re all doing well and that you had wonderful, happy, joyous Thanksgiving celebrations.

I’ll be back tomorrow with this week’s weigh-in results.

Eat well. Be well.

rachaelxoxo

 

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “242.4 … and an Apology and Thanksgiving Ramblings!

  1. Pingback: 238.0 (again?) | My Journey–One Day at a Time

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s