241.4

upagain

 

Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Weight Last Week: 240.8 lbs.
Current Weight: 241.4 lbs.
Weekly Change: +0.6 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 76.8 lbs.


Hi, friends.

Whelp—another week, another gain.

I’m really beginning to hate this mantra!

Take a quick gander at just how long I’ve been playing this game:

Weigh-in #48: 08/07/2015 — 242.8 lbs. (weekly change = –2.6 lbs.)
Weigh-in #49: 08/14/2015 — 241.8 lbs. (weekly change = –1.0 lbs.)
Weigh-in #50: 08/21/2015 — 243.4 lbs. (weekly change = +1.6 lbs.)

Weigh-in #51: 08/28/2015 — 241.8 lbs. (weekly change = –1.6 lbs.)

Weigh-in #52: 09/04/2015 — 239.6 lbs. (weekly change = –2.2 lbs.)
Weigh-in #53: 09/11/2015 — 238.8 lbs. (weekly change = –0.8 lbs.)
Weigh-in #54: 09/18/2015 — 241.2 lbs. (weekly change = +2.4 lbs.)
Weigh-in #55: 09/25/2015 — 240.8 lbs. (weekly change = –0.4 lbs.)

Weigh-in #56: 10/02/2015 — 240.8 lbs. (weekly change =   0.0 lbs.)
Weigh-in #57: 10/09/2015 — 240.2 lbs. (weekly change = –0.6 lbs.)
Weigh-in #58: 10/16/2015 — 240.4 lbs. (weekly change = +0.2 lbs.)
Weigh-in #59: 10/23/2015 — 239.0 lbs. (weekly change = –1.4 lbs.)
Weigh-in #60: 10/30/2015 — 237.2 lbs. (weekly change = –1.8 lbs.)

Weigh-in #61: 11/06/2015 — 236.6 lbs. (weekly change = –0.6 lbs.)
Weigh-in #62: 11/13/2015 — 238.6 lbs. (weekly change = +2.0 lbs.)
Weigh-in #63: 11/20/2015 — 242.4 lbs. (weekly change = +3.8 lbs.)
Weigh-in #64: 11/27/2015 — 238.0 lbs. (weekly change = –4.4 lbs.)

Weigh-in #65: 12/04/2015 — 241.2 lbs. (weekly change = +3.2 lbs.)
Weigh-in #66: 12/11/2015 — 240.8 lbs. (weekly change = –0.4 lbs.)
Weigh-in #67: 12/18/2015 — 241.4 lbs. (weekly change = +0.6 lbs.)

 

In the grand scheme of things, I guess I’m kind of, sort of doing “OK.” As of this instant, I haven’t truly “fallen off the wagon” or “gone off the rails.” Subconsciously, I know my limits—it’s very obvious that I know exactly what I can “get away with” in order to keep yo-yoing these couple of pounds to, essentially, maintain my weight.

If I’m honest and I really and truly think about my weight loss journey over the course of these past 15 months, I know that I’ve lost a lot of my gusto in these latter days—I know that I’m no longer trying as hard as I used to try… or being as careful as I used to be.

For example… Last Friday, I went out for linner (lunch/dinner) with my dad to a Vietnamese restaurant and ordered a shrimp spring roll with peanut sauce and Bun Tom Nuong (a bowl of vermicelli rice noodles topped with marinated grilled shrimp, fresh lettuce, sliced cucumber, carrots, crushed peanuts, and special house dressing)—and I devoured all of it.

The next day after my college graduation, my family took me out to the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company for lunch, and I had some fried calamari, a fried shrimp po’boy, half an order of French fries, and two rum-based mixed drinks called Lava Chillers that were probably most closely comparable to a Mudslide.

The rest of the week, I sort of just ate what I wanted—within my limits, of course.

Some days I tracked, some days I didn’t.

Some days I followed PointsPlus, some days I tried really hard to follow the new SmartPoints program.

Some days I watched my sugar intake, some days I let the bag of Planters Turtle Sundae trail mix get the best of me.

The thing is… I’m just tired—tired of counting everything, tired of always having to be so damn careful, and tired of never actually getting the chance to enjoy my food anymore!

And if you look at my weigh-ins for the past couple of months, I think it’s pretty obvious just how tired I am.


My favorite thing about Weight Watchers has always been the freedom it’s afforded. Weight Watchers’ selling point used to be that you could “eat whatever you wanted” and still lose weight, and that has always, always, always appealed to me.

Because here’s the thing—there are some things I’m just not willing to give up, and that’s the truth of the matter.

If someone told me, for example, that I could lengthen my life by 5 whole years if I never had another slice of pizza, I wouldn’t budge—I’d continue to eat pizza in varying frequencies, and at the end of my life, I’d be content with my decision… truly.

I know that that really makes me sound like the addict that I am, but what can I say? I’m not throwing away all of life’s pleasures just to be skinny—I’m not.

Am I willing to make changes? You bet’cha. Am I willing to clean up my diet—eat more fruits and veggies, stay away from mammals as far as protein consumption goes, and work to make sure my plates are balanced? Without a doubt! What about even occasionally working in some exercise? Absolutely!

But am I willing to give up all of my favorite foods or stop eating cake on my birthday or refuse to eat at certain restaurants because they don’t really have plan-friendly things? No. No, I am not willing to do that.


 

Before I turned to Weight Watchers, I was prepped and ready to get gastric surgery. I had lost all hope that I was going to be able to do this myself, and I thought that the only real way for me to get my weight under control would be to have some sort of limiting, physical mechanism that would literally prevent me from continuing to eat the way that I was eating.

However, the more research I started to do about gastric intervention, the more convinced I became that that wasn’t the right choice for me.

As most of you know, I am in my early twenties—I was only 21-years-old at the time I was researching gastric surgeries—and to limit myself that drastically, to make it so that I would never have even the slightest chance at being “normal” ever again in my life, seemed absolutely crazy to me.

No more this, no more that; you have to eat this, then that; liquids here, protein there; yada, yada, yada.

At 21 (and even now, a week before turning 23), that didn’t appeal to me; basically the last thing I wanted was to give food that much control over my life…

When you’re addicted to food (as I am) and when you have an eating disorder (as I do), food controls your life, without a doubt… But, as far as I’m concerned, addiction and eating disorders are things that can be beaten, controlled, and worked around with enough time, patience, and diligence—gastric surgery and all that that entails food-wise isn’t something that’s to be “worked around,” though… gastric surgery is the end all, be all, and there’s not a lot of wiggle room there… and I’m a person that needs wiggle room.


Which brings me to SmartPoints and Weight Watchers’ desire to go Beyond the Scale…

This new program is not my cuppa tea—and I’m so very, very disappointed that that’s the case.

I will say this first, though: I absolutely, positively love the idea of going Beyond the Scale because that’s the one thing that I always thought Weight Watchers needed to work on—celebrating those Non-Scale Victories that are such an awesome, motivating, rewarding part of all health and weight loss journeys.

So, for that, I’m grateful because I think that that is, without a doubt, a step in the right direction…

But SmartPoints? Oh man…

The general idea behind SmartPoints is to eat little to no added sugar or saturated fats and, instead, increase your protein intake big time.

Items high in fat or sugar that were once reasonable point-wise are now sky high, impossible options. Items super high in protein that were once hard to fit into your day because of their point total are now next to nothing: case in point, a whole pound of cooked shrimp is now just 7 SmartPoints.

On PointsPlus, everyone had the same number of extra weekly points: 49. Now, each person’s weeklies are individually calculated, and we’re all all over the board.

On the PointsPlus program, I got 39 points per day, plus 49 extra points per week. Now on SmartPoints, I get 41 points per day, plus 42 extra points per week.

I know, I know—you’re probably thinking, Rachael, your points are great! This doesn’t affect you!

Wrong.

Almost everything I used to eat daily has doubled, if not tripled, in point values. My coffee went from 3PPV to 6SPV; my yogurt went from 4PPV to 8-12SPV, depending upon the flavor; my 1% milk went from 3PPV to 4SPV, my almond milk from 3PPV to 6SPV; and don’t even get me started on my cereal or my oatmeal.

Yesterday I had 1 cup—8 ounces—of cinnamon eggnog for a whopping 17SPV. My Planters Turtle Sundae trail mix? 20SPV for a measly 3 oz.

I’m feeling deprived because of these changes, and I’m jonesing for sugar.

The days when I really do try to follow SmartPoints, I’ve found myself so, so hungry. And if I “indulge,” half my day is wiped out in the blink of an eye.

It’s hard, and it’s frustrating… And it makes me feel like I’m on a diet.

Instead of planning how to live my life, SmartPoints makes me feel like I’m just planning how to drop the weight; it doesn’t feel sustainable, and it doesn’t feel realistic.

In my heart of hearts, I know that I won’t be able to do this forever—I don’t have the will, drive, or desire, and I’m not alone. There’s chatter coming from every direction—at the meetings, out in the blogosphere, on social media, and even within the Weight Watchers staff… This is too much, it’s too restrictive, and it’s much harder to navigate.

I’ll admit that I am being a massive downer and that I’m spewing a lot of negativity right now, but this is me being completely honest with you: I don’t like the new plan so far—I just don’t.


 

Right now, I’ve done two full days of really on-track SmartPoints eating, and while I’m proud of myself for giving the program my all, I’m disappointed in how I’m feeling: as I’m writing this, my stomach is growling incessantly—something I’ve found to be a constant problem.

I’ve overloaded myself with protein, and it’s doing nothing for me other than making me crave a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a big, greasy pizza.

I’m willing to give this a try for the week—to put forth my all and stick to the SmartPoints plan like glue… But as for the long run, I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to do. If this isn’t something I can make work for the rest of my life, then, unfortunately, I may have to try something else that will work because that is what I am most concerned with—finding a dietary plan that’s sustainable.

I am hoping more than anything that Weight Watchers is something I can continue to navigate, though… Because I truly do owe them my life.

So here’s to hoping.


I hope you’ve all had a wonderful week.

I’ll be back with a weigh-in update on Thursday since Friday is Christmas Day and Weight Watchers will be closed.

I hope that the days leading up to the holiday are wonderful for each of you!

Eat well. Be well.

rachaelxoxo

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s