Merry (belated) Christmas + 241.2 (again, most likely)

xmas weight

 

Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Weight Last Week: 241.4 lbs.
Current Weight: 241.2 lbs.
Weekly Change: –0.2 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 77 lbs.


Hello, my dear friends, and a happy belated Christmas to you!

I hope you’re all well and that you enjoyed the holiday (if you so chose to celebrate) with people that mattered.

I was surrounded by the people who matter most to me, and it was a lovely couple of days filled with lots of laughter and much too much delectable food and drink—most definitely too much…

I popped in to Weight Watchers Thursday morning (Christmas Eve) to weigh-in since they were closed yesterday for the holiday, and I only managed to lose a measly 0.2 lbs. this week. To say I was discouraged would be the understatement of the century. I was discouraged, disheartened, and absolutely furious.

I gave SmartPoints a legitimate shot last week. I ate well, tracked, didn’t binge, and spent a good bit of time genuinely hungry because I decided that I was going to go by the books and eat as the program dictated I should versus listening to my own body’s hunger signals.

So why didn’t I see a good loss? Where’s all the benefits of supposedly packing in protein?

How extraordinarily disappointing this was.


The past two days, as I mentioned before, have been full of much too much overindulgent behavior. I’ve been lazier than ever, and I’ve eaten more food and drunk more alcohol in the past 48 hours than I have in the entire month leading up to the holiday.

Christmas Eve saw me drinking RumChata Caramel-tinis and more champagne sorbet cocktails than I’d care to admit… And when I went out to dinner that night with my family, I threw caution to the wind and ordered exactly what I wanted off the menu… which happened to be a sampler platter comprised of hot boneless buffalo wings with full-fat ranch dressing, spicy Sriracha (fried) shrimp, and crispy, fried, spicy chicken wonton tacos.

Later that night whilst we were in the midst of watching Christmas movies and opening up a few gifts, I managed to also eat two slices of pizza and two homemade Christmas cookies that were slathered in icing, sprinkles, and sour candies (courtesy of my two favorite over-exuberant six and four-year-old bakers).


 

After that disastrous bout with food, I had great intentions food-wise for Christmas day that included a breakfast of overnight baked egg casserole that was only 9 SmartPoints per serving and plenty of water and fruit.

I did wonderfully yesterday (if you don’t count the 6 pieces of sugar-free Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory candy that I inhaled)… up until dinnertime.

On Wednesday, I drove out to Whole Foods to stock up on seafood for Christmas dinner. I picked up the same maple and almond-crusted salmon that I had last year, as well as some oysters (both Rockefeller and New Orleans style), some salmon puffs, and a couple of shrimp rings.

The amount of food I consumed yesterday was outrageous.

I ate brie cheese and blueberry cheese and pepperjam on crackers and toast… caramelized apples and pecans… too many oysters and too many salmon puffs… a pretty decent-sized piece of maple and almond-crusted salmon that I didn’t even bother to weigh, and absolutely no vegetables.

For dessert, I had cheesecake and coffee with sugar-free creamer.

It was terrible.

It was delicious, but it was still terrible.

And I woke up hating myself a little bit this morning—seriously.


 

My 23rd birthday is on Monday, and when I woke up this morning, I realized that I needed to take control of my life.

You all know that I’ve been struggling for quite some time now, and although I’ve made platitudes before, this time is different… This time I feel a sense of urgency and desperation that’s been lacking for far too long.

I am not happy with myself—not truly. I have moments where I feel good about myself, am proud of what I’ve accomplished weight and health-wise, and even appreciate my new appearance… But most of the time, I am unhappy with the way I look, with the way I feel, with the restrictions that are still present at my current weight of 241 lbs….

So I have to stop messing around—stop letting food control me. I sometimes placate myself with the idea that I’m in control—that I know my limits and know how far I can go with food—but that’s not true. These past two days have shown me that I am absolutely not in control in the face of temptation.

Food is still controlling me.


I’ve told myself that today is a fresh start.

I’ve eaten well (one serving of leftover baked egg casserole for 9SP, 2 clementines, a banana, and 24 oz. of water), I’ve tracked everything, and I’ve stayed away from any and all BLTs so far today.

I’ve been repeating the same mantra to myself over and over and over again, and I think that’s what’s helped me stay on track; I’ve been telling myself that I’m worth it. I’m worth it. I’m worth it.

I’ll be 23-years-old in less than 48 hours, and I want this next year of my life to be the best one yet. There’s so much excitement ahead, and I want to be able to enjoy every single second of this next year… and to do that, I know that I need to continue to get healthy and lose weight.

I am the only person in this entire universe that can control my happiness. I am the only person that can make my life something meaningful and enjoyable and worthwhile… And that’s what I intend to spend the next year of my life doing—working on myself, creating my own happiness, and making sure that I live in a way that’s meaningful, purposeful, FUN, and worthwhile.


I hope you’re all well and that you had the merriest of Christmases and the happiest of Hanukkahs! And for those that celebrate, Heri za Kwanzaa!

Eat well. Be well.

rachaelxoxo

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Merry (belated) Christmas + 241.2 (again, most likely)

  1. Dear Rachel,
    I’m so glad you’re posting your struggles. We all have had them and need encouragement.
    When I read of your struggles, I hurt for you. I know that place so well.

    Why don’t you just try as an experiment for a couple of weeks what I do. Just three only three meals a day. Have anything you want but eat half portions. No snacks.
    If you’re still hungry at the meal just get another half portion of something you didn’t get before.
    I hate to read if your struggles when this has been so easy for me. Yes there are times when I eat too many half portions of too many things, but I am at peace with it.
    And later the gained weight comes off. I have found that if I eat a little sweet at most meals I’m satisfied and don’t want anything else until the next meal.
    I am pulling for ya, girl.
    Lord provide what she has need of to succeed in her goals/ dreams. Amen

    Like

  2. Pingback: 245.2 (again, surely) + NYE Thoughts + Wishes | My Journey–One Day at a Time

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