I’m not even sure if anyone reads my blog anymore, but alas — here I am!
I kept saying on Instagram that I was going to write a new blog post, and currently I’ve got 6 saved drafts on the back burner here on WP. Every time I think I want to post something or make an announcement, I change my mind and nothing ever gets posted… or done. I never quite manage to get myself back on track! Surprise, surprise, right?
The same thing happens when I buy planners — every few months I claim I’m going to start using an old-school, hand-written agenda. I spend a shit ton of money trying to get organized, only to never use the damn things.
I’m pretty scattered lately. Again, surprise, surprise, right?
So here’s the deal… I’m going to give you guys a very brief summary of what’s happened to me over the course of the last year or so.
On the 28th of October last year, one of my oldest and closest friends took his own life. Prior to that, I was only slightly off track weight loss-wise: I had lost a bit of my mojo, gained a little bit of my weight back (less than 20 lbs. at the time), but I was, overall, holding steady.
But when Cory killed himself, my whole life changed. Suddenly, nothing made sense anymore. I was sad — so fucking sad — and I was also really angry and confused and everything was completely muddled.
I went off the rails.
I started partying and drinking all the time. I let my studies fall to the wayside, and my weight and my health were not even a little bit of a priority. I would go to work, and once I managed to zombie crawl my way through that, I’d immediately hit the scene with my friends and party and drink and eat until the break of dawn. I’d come home completely plastered, and I’d just barely be able to compose myself in time for work… only to then hit the replay button and do it all over again.
I started failing classes. I stopped doing homework and studying for tests. I essentially just… gave up.
I also hit the dating scene hard… and the type of men I found myself dating were complete train wrecks — even worse off than I was.
I was sneaking around, bed hopping, and telling lie after lie after lie.
Last winter, one of the guys I was involved with ended up attacking me during what should have been a drama-free break up. I barely managed to escape with any dignity left intact — but I did, thankfully, manage to escape.
Fast forward through another few mistakes, and by the time summer rolled around, I found myself trapped in a relationship I didn’t really want to be in with a raging alcoholic with a death wish.
To add to this, my longtime Weight Watcher friend, Betty, was losing her battle with cancer, and I was spending what little free time I had at her hospice bedside.
In late June, Social Services had also dropped my cousin’s children off on my doorstep; he and his wife were busted doing meth and heroine, and suddenly, my entire life was turned upside down and inside out again — this time even worse (and more permanently) than before.
I spent a lot of the summer crying.
I cried tears for lost opportunities and closed doors, for poor choices I made, and for the darkness that had settled in that I couldn’t seem to outrun or escape.
There were moments when I did not know how I could continue to go on — truly.
My high school best friend — who’d held that title for more than a decade — completely turned her back on me… and most of my other friends were unsure of how to “handle” me or really of just what to do. Lots of them were just sick of hearing about all the drama, and they put me on ignore.
Did I forget to mention that my weight was continuing to go up, up, up during this entire period?
I did, eventually, have a “come to Jesus moment” towards the end of September, but much like my original decision to join Weight Watchers back in the fall of ’14, there wasn’t really a specific trigger… Everything just built up and up and up and up until I really had no choice but to just pull myself up by the boot straps and figure out how to move forward and make some changes.
The first really big change I made? I decided to quit my current grad school program endeavors. I came to the conclusion that Speech Language Pathology, while an incredibly admirable field, is simply not for me. I loved my clinical gig where I did a rotation in one of our local school districts, but when it came to my actual classes and all of the intricate interworkings of SLP life? I really couldn’t hack it… and not only that, but my heart and my interest level just weren’t where they should’ve been in the end.
Quitting was absolutely not an easy decision for me, and, again, there was a lot of crying involved. However, after the crying and after a ton of consideration, I’ve decided to apply to law school.
Yeah, I know — huge change, tons of work, doesn’t necessarily seem like a good idea, blah blah blah.
In the end, I have decided to follow my gut on this one. I’ll be 25 in just two short months, and it’s about time I start making some serious decisions about what I’m doing… and it’s also about time I start doing things for ME and because I WANT TO and not because I “should” or because so and so tells me it’s a good idea.
I take the LSAT on December 2nd, and then I’ll apply to law school immediately after and should know by the spring what the future holds for me.
Some other changes I’ve made? I dumped my alcoholic boyfriend and have resolved to completely and totally stop dating for the foreseeable future. I’ve also drastically reigned in my partying and my drinking, and I’ve started being honest and open with my friends and family. I’ve started asking for help when I need it, I’ve started owning up to my struggles, and I’ve also started standing up for myself and making decisions based on what I believe is right and not simply just what I “should” do.
Not surprisingly, those that truly love and care for me are sticking by me, trusting me, and offering me their support.
It’s made a world of difference.
Some things that have not changed? I’m still struggling, my family situation hasn’t yet straightened itself out, and I’m not currently the best version of myself that I know I can be.
However, I’m a work in progress, and I am back to really working on myself again!
Thankfully, I still have my job at Weight Watchers, and I’m happier than ever ON PROGRAM! Yes, that’s right — I haven’t abandoned ship! I’m actually back on plan and am getting compliments from my members every single time I lead a meeting about how awesome I’m starting to look (again!).
I feel really rejuvenated and like I can finally maybe see the light at the end of the tunnel again.
It’s been a really bad year… But I’m hoping it’s not too late to pull it together!