Mapping out some new plans.

As of two days ago, the 25th of May, 2019, I am officially a former WW employee… and hot damn does that feel good!

My time as a substitute teacher for this school year wraps up this Thursday, too, and then I’ll be off for the summer… which is so weird. I haven’t been offered a full-time teaching gig yet, so it looks like I might be heading into another school year as a substitute, which is a little disappointing but totally fine if that happens… because at least it’s a steady job with purpose! However, DPS will still be hiring teachers throughout the summer, so there’s still a chance that I’ll be hired for the real deal for this coming school year… so wish me luck and send me good vibes and thoughts!

Now what, exactly, you may ask, am I going to do with all of this free time during the summer?

Go back to the drawing board weight loss-wise.

After nearly five years of letting WW’s “track every bite, lick, and taste” adage rule my life, I’m kind of turned off of tracking my food these days.

My first experiment into the world of “dieting” during summer 2019 is going to concern the idea of losing weight without tracking food. Is this possible? Is this sustainable? Is this going to trigger the Binge Monster to come out in full-force?

Let’s see!

I’ve been fairly active over on Instagram these past couple of years (@myjourneyonedayatatime), and someone who’s been such an inspiration to me has been a woman named Stephanie (@holycrapimfat). She’s been around for awhile, and we actually started our journeys around the same time five years ago. She’s always been super sweet and encouraging to me, and she’s always quick to reach out with a double tap or a reply comment with some extra love or motivation when I’m feeling down.

Earlier this year, she had an epiphany about her lifetime of yoyo dieting. After having admittedly tried just about every diet under the sun, she decided to pull bits and pieces that she really loved from each diet and make it her own, thus finally creating something that was livable and maintainable and achievable for her.

I like that idea. Actually, I love that idea.

My favorite thing about WW has always been that nothing was ever totally off limits. I love that I can still have birthday cake or pizza when the cravings call, because let’s face it: I’ve been fat for as long as I can remember, and this fat girl loves her some comfort food. That means I’m staying away from keto, paleo, Whole 30, and the like because those things are way too restrictive, but I definitely want to take elements from all of those eating plans and incorporate them into my daily life.

The main premise of my new experiment is going to be this: EAT. REAL. FOOD. And do so as often as possible.

I made the switch to vegetarianism several months ago, so this summer I want my main focus to be learning to cook more creatively as a vegetarian. I want to stick to mostly whole foods, reduce the amount of garbage I put into my system, and learn to make my favorite comfort foods from scratch so that I know exactly what I’m eating.

That’s not to say I won’t pick up a pint of Ben + Jerry’s here and there at will, but I really want to be better about not always reaching for processed crap when I’m hungry.

Here are my concrete goals for June:

No eating out. Period. Amen. Hallelujah.
Absolutely nothing to drink besides water and tea.
Focused, dedicated activity 3x per week.
Meditation every. single. day.

That’s it. I say that’s it as if I didn’t just post four really hard things as goals, but since I won’t be working in June, I’ll have nothing but time on my hands to focus on myself, and I know these are all doable things because they are all things I have already done—they’re all things I was able to accomplish back in ’14 during my first few months on WW.

I’m trying to use June as sort of a 30-day detox. I need to stop relying on fast food and quick meals at restaurants, so for 30 days this summer, I’m just taking that off the table altogether. Eventually I’ll allow myself to eat out again, but I just need 30 full days of home-cooked goodness.

I also just recently purchased a Hydrojug (recently as in two days ago), and the purpose of that was to hopefully aid in helping  me stop downing Diet Coke and iced coffee by the gallon and instead switch to downing water by the gallon! I’ll post more about my Hydrojug and water goals once it arrives this week!

The last two things—activity and meditation—will hopefully be the easiest and most achievable of my goals. My plan is to get a walk or a run or some yoga or a spin class in 3x per week. I was getting a run in every single day for the first couple months of the year before I ended up injuring myself at a race and stopping my training altogether. However, I’ve actually grown to enjoy activity as the years have inched on, and I know I feel so much better when I’m out in the world actually being a participant, so this should be super doable. I also work really hard to use my run time as meditation time, so that along with a few dedicated meditation minutes each night before bed should hopefully work wonders for me.

I’ll keep you up-to-date with my plans and progress if you care enough to read.

I hope if you’re out there you’re doing well. Drop me a line!

rachaelxoxo

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

I’m pretty sure no one is around to read this anymore, but that’s OK—at this point, I’m writing for me.

In December of 2017, I wrote my last blog on this page… A lot has happened since then.

I have 13 drafts in the draft folder here on WP. Over the last couple of years, I’ve tried to make my return—tried to find the motivation and the right words to capture the depth of my emotions and continue to tell my story with the same honest gusto that I did when I was in my early twenties… But, alas, I didn’t have it in me.

A couple of weeks ago I started writing again, and I put my heart and soul into a post that chronologically took us through the last year+ … only to walk away from it at the end because it’d gotten too long and too trite.

Here’s the basics of what you need to know: I’ve finally managed to find myself a little bit of peace.

For years that’s the thing I’ve been chasing—peace—only as a young twenty-something, I didn’t know that that’s what I was chasing.

Now, though, as I look forward to turning 27 this year, things are a little clearer.

On the 16th of April (12 days ago), I tendered my resignation at WW (aka, Weight Watchers). The relief I feel… I don’t think you could imagine it even if you tried really, really hard. The thing that I once lauded as my saving grace is the same thing that, in the end, was nearly my undoing.

I imagine that my severing of ties with WW is a little bit like what a cantankerous divorce must feel like: I’m a little bitter, a little scorned, a little burnt, yet still a whole lot wiser now that the years have stacked up and it’s all said and done.

I will desperately, deeply, truly miss my members and the receptionists/guides that have worked on my teams for the last few years. But WW itself? No, I will not miss WW. My (now former) colleagues have asked me if I’ll still be back to visit as a member, if I’ll still use WW and reap its benefits… and my honest answer is, I don’t know.

In a perfect world, I’d like things to go back to the way they were back in 2014 when I stepped into WW for the first time ever: I’d be nervous, excited, naive, and, most importantly, anonymous when weighing in and plopping myself down in a green chair once a week.

But we can’t go back in time, can we? I’ve looked behind the curtain and seen that the great and powerful Oz is maybe not so great and powerful… and it’s left a bad taste in my mouth.

The truth of the matter is, though, that I have put on a substantial amount of weight from my one-time lowest, so no matter what I decide to do, I’m starting back at a place I’d once hoped (and swore) I’d never get back to. But that’s a story for another time.

I’m a teacher now! So all that jazz about law school and whatever other kinds of snake oil I was trying to sell you back in ’17 didn’t pan out, and I really couldn’t be more thankful for that. Someday I’d like to sit down and flesh out a post about my mental health and the spiral I went on after Cory killed himself (that somehow really manifested itself in weird twists and turns and failures with my career), but right now I don’t have it in me… Just know that I’ve managed to take several very lengthy, unplanned, and dark but meaningful detours over the last almost-three years since that fateful October day back in ’16.

I got my substitute teacher’s license and have been working steadily as such for the Denver Public School District for the last few months. At first I absolutely hated teaching and it was just a “side hustle” to help me save up to get the fuck away from WW, but then, one day, as if by magic happenstance, I fell in love with the profession. I read a book by Taylor Mali that changed my perspective on what it means to teach, and then it was as if I’d finally, after all this time, managed to find my place in the world.

Shortly thereafter, I applied to the district to participate in their alternative pathway program to secure a full-time teaching gig that will allow me to work while also going back to school to secure my teaching certificate and license as well as, eventually, earn a Master’s Degree in curriculum and instruction: critical pedagogy. DPS eagerly accepted me into their applicant pool, and now I’m just waiting for the chips to fall into place and the right school to come along and make me an offer. My hope is to be teaching full-time in my own classroom later this fall… but, if not, subbing will get me through the next year, and I’ll just keep pursuing this path until I’m eventually in my own classroom.

2018 and 2019 have been full of tremendous highs and lows and so much personal growth that I don’t think I could adequately capture it in just one blog post, so I’m not going to try to.

Once I’m fully out of all of my positions at WW (which will be, at the latest, May 25th), I’ve decided to start hitting the pavement hard with weight loss again—or at least really and truly make another attempt to do so. My plan is to spend the summer getting to know myself again as far as my health and weight loss journey are both concerned. I have a couple of 5Ks planned for the summer, some new plant-based cookbooks to crack open (because I became a vegetarian about 8 months ago), and some basic ideas of what I’d like this new adventure of mine to look like.

Another goal is to start blogging again regularly—mostly for accountability of self, but also to get re-involved with this community that I once loved so much.

Note to self: the adventure starts here.

rachaelxoxo

Potentially the last weigh-in of 2017…

Hey there!

So as is usual for my Thursday routine, I weighed in today… and I was up +0.2 lbs.

Thursdays are MY weigh-in day—not the day I do my employee weigh-in, not the day I sit through a Weight Watchers meeting… Every Thursday evening before I lead a meeting, I take the time to get on the scale and weigh for my own records… that’s when my weight “counts” for the week.

Today wasn’t my lowest weight of the week, but it’s the only one I recorded.

That’s how I keep my sanity these days—an attempt at consistency.

It snowed today in Colorado (happy winter solstice!), so I had to wear warmer (read: heavier) clothes to weigh-in today, which could’ve explained the very tiny gain.

Or, ya know, ’tis the season and all that jazz.

Anyways, this was potentially my last weigh-in of the year.

I took next Thursday off, as it is my 25th birthday.

I started this blog when I was 21… hard to believe how quickly time sneaks up on you!

Anyways, the plan next Thursday is to go out for brunch at the Egg & I with my God brother, and then I’m having a big family dinner at the Spaghetti Factory—something that’s been a birthday tradition of mine for as long as I can remember.

I am going to be mindful and listen to my body so that I can know when I’m “satisfied,” but with that said, I’m eating what I want on my birthday. #sorrynotsorry

I’m also off on Friday, and that night I’m having a big birthday party with all of my buddies. 25 is a big one—I couldn’t not have a party, you know? After the year I’ve had, I’ve decided it’s going to be much quieter and more reserved than I’ve gotten used to, though… It’s that whole idea of “do better to be better,” you know?

We’re going to play board games and have a couple of beers and maybe some boozy milkshakes, and then we’re going to eat bar snacks and sandwiches. There’s a cute little bar here in Denver that’s dedicated to board games, and that’s what I decided I wanted to do! Here’s to hoping it goes off without a hitch.

Maybe I’ll weigh-in a day early on Wednesday night… or maybe my next weigh-in will be Thursday, January 4th, 2018.

We’ll see!

I hope you’re well. I miss the old crew. If any of you are still out there, drop me a line!

rachaelxoxo

November/December Catch-Up

What’s up, WP?

How’ve the holidays been treating you?

Even though I’ve been pretty radio silent, I’ve been OK!

Now that Weight Watchers FreeStyle is completely out in the open, I can confess that as a staff member I’ve been working the program for quite sometime, and I absolutely LOVE it! To me, this is the best WW program I’ve ever been part of. It’s reminiscent of PointsPlus in a lot of ways (which is the program I started with and found incredible success on), but it utilizes the SmartPoints system as a base (which I’ve always admitted was the healthier of the two programs), but it’s a much more freeing and flexible plan.

I’m back to being in love with Weight Watchers again. This is something I totally believe in and can finally see as being livable and maintainable.

I AM SO EXCITED!

Here are my November and December weigh-ins; I’ve fallen off track here and there and indulged in good holiday cheer with the best of ’em, but I’m still doing ok!

Nov. 2nd, 2017: -6.4 lbs.
Nov. 9th, 2017: +1.8 lbs.
Nov. 16th, 2017: -2.4 lbs.
Nov. 30th, 2017: +3.8 lbs.

Dec. 7th, 2017: +1.8 lbs.
Dec. 14th, 2017: -1 lbs.

I know I’ve been going up and down pretty rapidly, but at this time of year I’d say I’m doing pretty damn good considering all I’ve been up to.

Did I mention I also did a 5K on December 3rd?

I’m registered for 4 other 5Ks (the Polar Bear 5K in Jan., the Super Bowl 5K and the Valentine’s Day 4-Miler in Feb., and That Dam Run in Mar.), and I’m registered for the Boulder Boulder 10K in May. I’ll probably try my best to sneak another 5K into the mix in April. My big goal is to JOG the Boulder Boulder; it’s going to be a stretch, but fingers crossed!

Remember when the words jog and run were some of the dirtiest in my vocabulary?

Yeah, me too.

I took the LSAT on Dec. 2nd, and I’m more convinced than ever that law school is the right step. Now I’m just waiting around until Jan. 3rd to receive my scores… and then if I did well, I’ll apply to law school immediately.

Life is good, you guys.

I finally decided to turn on the light. It’s nice to see something other than darkness again.

rachaelxoxo

November WI #1

I weighed in last night, and I was down 6.4-lbs.!

I was super excited about this obviously, but I’m also a little leery of celebration just yet.

Overall it was a good week. I tracked every day except Saturday the 28th, and I managed to stay within points and on track 6/7 days.

However, I did get blackout drunk at a Halloween party on the 28th (which I know was a really bad decision, but seeing as it was the one year anniversary of my best friend’s passing, I wasn’t exactly in a great frame of mind), and I’ve been horrendously sick since Sunday the 29th — and we’re not just talking hangover-sick either, though that was certainly what it started out as. I’ve had a fever on and off for the past several days, and at this point my voice is an almost nonexistent whisper. I feel miserable, and I’ve mostly just been sleeping. I’ve been eating the bare minimum, and while it’s all been vegetarian/Pescatarian based, it hasn’t been fresh, home-cooked food.

I desperately need to hit the grocery store, but I just haven’t felt well enough to do so. I also really need to get some training in for the Turkey Trot, but that, too, has been out of the question because of how I’ve felt. Something else I’ve been skimping on in favor of sleep is my LSAT studying, so, overall, I’m in a little bit of a predicament right now.

Alas — one day at a time. Hopefully I’ll be back on my feet in a couple of days, and then all will be well again. I’m also hoping I can keep this 6.4-lbs. off and add to it next week, but I’m well aware that the sickness might have thrown off my body and I might be up next week as a result. We’ll see!

Hope you’re well. Drop me a line!

rachaelxoxo

No Meat November.

I’ve decided that my big goal for the month of November is going to be to go meatless; I’m going to transition to a Pescatarian way of eating!

Seeing as I already don’t consume mammals, and haven’t for several years, the switch shouldn’t be too hard. Sticking to a Pescatarian lifestyle should also be super easy to do with the help of Weight Watchers, as fish and seafood are all very plan-friendly!

This goal doesn’t actually have much to do with weight loss at all (although I’m guessing I’m probably going to see some benefits there, too).

I have endometriosis, and a diet high in omega-3 laden foods (aka, fish) is recommended as part of holistic treatment plans. Research has shown that many women who suffer from this ailment consume too few veggies and omega-3 fatty acids, and tend to consume more red meat, coffee, and trans fats.

November is going to be a little bit of an experiment: I want to see if an entire month of eating more whole, home-cooked, omega-3 fatty-laden foods helps me in any way, shape, or form, because I’m getting pretty desperate for some symptom relief that does not include experimental medication or super invasive surgery.

In addition to the omega-3 foods, doctors have also said it’s super important to eat magnesium and iron rich foods, so that means I’ll be eating lots more spinach, artichokes, bananas, avocados, beans, nuts, eggs, etc., too!

This means I’ll definitely be eating lots of home prepared meals (which is what I desperately need to go back to anyways!), and that’s going to take some work! My plan is to finally do the one thing I’ve always avoided doing because I’m just too damn lazy: meal prep.

Sigh.

Sundays are officially the designated meal prep day. The plan is to choose around four meals each week, cook them all on Sunday, and then rotate them throughout the week for lunches and dinners. The freezer is about to become my new best friend!

Some of the dishes I’m set on making next month: savory shrimp and grits, bang bang shrimp noodle bowls, homemade black bean and loaded veggie burgers (topped with a fried egg because uh yum), zoodles and sauce (I found a recipe online for made-from-scratch sauce that uses carrots and sweet potatoes in place of sugar, so the plan is to give that a whirl!), loaded spaghetti squash burrito bowls, fish stew, tuna burgers, Thai coconut salmon and kale soup, teriyaki salmon bowls, grilled fish tacos, and probably some loaded veggie pizza – I’ve been eyeing some cauliflower crust recipes lately that I’m really wanting to try!

I’m also going to work on getting more steps in daily in November. I’m thinking of making my goal 8,000 steps per day. I’ve signed up for Denver’s annual Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving Day, and I definitely have some work to do in order to be able to survive the race!

Hope you’re all well. Drop me a line!

rachaelxoxo

Feeling hopeful.

I lost a pound tonight when I weighed in at work.

That puts me at a total loss of 8.6-lbs. so far for June!

I am satisfied with my progress. Had I not been -29 weeklies this week (translation: if I had laid off all the processed root canal-friendly food and resisted that pitstop yesterday at Dunkin’ Donuts), I would likely have lost more than a pound.

However… I am going to live and breathe by the very mantra I preach weekly to my Weight Watchers members: take baby steps because it all adds up.

I made enough good choices this past week to outweigh the questionable ones I also made. I managed to find some semblance of balance, and I took care of myself by getting my tooth situation sorted out.

I am a happy camper.

My plan is to tighten the reins this week and work really hard before I hop on that plane to Vegas next Thursday.

Weigh-in will be on Wednesday next week!

rachaelxoxo

Finding my way back.

The blog is currently under construction, so please bear with me.

I feel like it’s time to do a little renovation to better reflect who I am now and where I’m headed on this journey. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending upon how you look at it) I am no longer the same 21-year-old girl that started this blog back in 2014… And I think it’s time to showcase that.

So! In the meantime… Here are the basics I think you should know right now:

• I switched my weigh-in day to Thursday. I work a Weight Watchers meeting on Thursday nights, so it’s a really easy and convenient time for me to just hop on the scale and get a weight recorded.
• I decided to totally and completely restart on Thursday, June 1st. This was somewhat of a hard decision to come to because on one hand, I don’t want to negate what I’ve done over the course of almost three years. Yes, I’ve gained some weight back… But I haven’t gained it all back, so starting from scratch feels kind of wrong… But on the other hand, I simply cannot just pick back up exactly where I left off back in the heyday of my weight loss. Circumstances have changed, my motivation and mindset are both in a different place, my goals and focus have both been completely redirected, and, most importantly, I am not the same girl anymore. A total restart allows me to accept all of those things and establish a new normal… So that’s what I’m going to do.
• I am going to start the Whole 30 on July 1st. I will still be utilizing the Weight Watchers app while I do this; I’m simply going to switch my tracker over to Simply Filling and then make adjustments as necessary.

After one week of kicking some of my nasty habits (namely, drinking booze and eating crappy, grease-bucket fast food), I weighed in on June 7th and managed to lose 7.6-lbs!

Unfortunately, this last week didn’t go quite as well. I started having pain on the right side of my face sometime mid-last week. I let this go on for 3 days before I finally decided to see my dentist. I couldn’t figure out where the pain was localized, but, regardless, the dentist seemed like the best option… Good thing I went in, too, since it turns out I was in need of a root canal. My dentist prescribed me an antibiotic and a narcotic for pain, and then he sent me to an endodontist.

For the last week I’ve been on the “root canal diet,” which basically means I’ve been eating a bunch of processed, soft, easy to chew food. I’ve definitely been off my game food-wise, but I have been tracking everything… which is how I know I’m -29 points for the week.

My plan is to weigh-in tonight at work and face the scale like a trooper, and then give it everything I’ve got this week to do better—tooth pain and temporary crown situation be damned!

I’m off to Las Vegas next Thursday with a big group of friends, so I’m expecting my food choices to go off track a bit. However, we’re staying at an airbnb instead of a hotel, which means we’ll be eating at home and cooking the food ourselves a good bit of the time. I think that booze is going to be my biggest problem, honestly, but I’m content with that. A long weekend in Vegas calls for a little carefree partying—it’s part of being in your mid-twenties. I’ll have my Fitbit with me all weekend, and I know that I’ll get plenty of walking in, so I’m not concerned in the slightest. I need a little break from reality and quality time with the people I love, so this is just the ticket!

I hope you guys are all doing well! Drop me a line and let me know how things are going!

rachaelxoxo

 

Lemonade.

I was never a Beyoncé fan… until she released Lemonade.

Lemonade spoke to my soul; suddenly Beyoncé felt like a close, personal friend of mine when she shared this part of her darkness with me (well, actually with the world, but it felt like it was written just for me, ya know?).

I have the album playing in the background as I write to you now; “Forward” is currently ringing in my ears.

My heart hurts.

I don’t know how to pick myself up, you guys… and that scares me.

I’ve been going non-stop for the past 6 months: I’ve been working 7 days a week, drowning myself in schoolwork and volunteer work, partying until the break of dawn, eating like shit and boozing it up until I’m sick and hungover, and, of course, my favorite thing—I’ve become a serial dater.

I only manage to sleep for a couple of hours each night.

I’ve become a crazy “New Ager” and I’ve started collecting self-help books and crystals like my life depends on it.

I have dream catchers hanging all over my room.

I try not to be alone too often these days because when I’m alone, I’m afraid the Darkness is going to sweep me into Its arms and I’ll never escape Its grasp.

When I’m alone in my Jeep driving to and from work, I have to be careful to keep my mind as blank as possible, otherwise I burst into tears.

I’ve always struggled—always. I’ve always had demons; this is something all of you know by now. I spent the first two decades of my life eating my way straight to 320 lbs. …Normalcy and I have never quite figured out how to co-exist, obviously.

When my best friend killed himself last October, my life changed forever. He may have finally found a way to escape his pain, but the pain he’s now inflicted upon everyone that ever loved him is unreal. My heart is so heavy I can hardly breathe some days. He’s the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep each night.

I don’t know how to “move on” from this. Do you ever really “move on”? How does this work?

My weight is absolutely out of control. I am concerned that eventually I am going to lose my job at Weight Watchers if I don’t pull it together… but every time I make an attempt, I turn right around and self-sabotage.

The Universe has handed me an entire fucking lemon tree…

And it’s time for me to make some Lemonade.

I happened to scroll through WP last night and catch sight of Brooke Birmingham’s latest blog post. Brooke, like Beyoncé, feels like a close, personal friend of mine because she shares so much of her heart and soul with me (aka, with the world…. but she’s also responded to a couple of messages of mine over the years, so sometimes she really is just writing to me).

Brooke, if you happen to read this, I want you to know that your latest blog post may have just helped me get my life back on track.

It’s time to reflect and reevaluate… and, most importantly, it’s time to be my true, authentic self once again.

When I look back on the last 2.5 years of this journey, I can hardly remember, let alone recognize, the 21-year-old girl that decided to pen that first fearfully brave post about joining Weight Watchers—the girl who was willing to tell the entire world her stories and struggles, her successes and failures, her deepest, darkest secrets and her big, beautiful, wild dreams.

When I was that girl, I hated her.

Today… this girl longs to have that girl back—even if just for a brief moment in time.

I want that girl’s tenacity and courage, that girl’s steadfast determination and you-can-do-anything attitude.

That girl had more going for her than she ever realized or gave herself credit for.

But… when I started out, I wasn’t doing this for me. I was doing this because I wanted other people to like me—to love me. I wanted men to want me. I wanted people to stop hurling insults at me, and I wanted to fit into society’s mold of all that’s pretty and beautiful.

Eventually, I ended up with the attention I wanted. Men started seeking me out, and since the tail end of 2015, I’ve been on more dates than I frankly care to remember—I’ve gotten caught up with enough assholes of the male species to last me a lifetime.

Men and women alike will talk about my “beauty” now, and I just scoff. What is beauty? Really! What does any of this mean when my heart is so unhappy? What does it matter if Joe-Shmoe thinks I’m beautiful or really pretty when I still am not satisfied or happy with myself?

It’s taken me nearly 3 years to realize this… but happiness comes from within.

I have to start over—really start over. I can’t just pretend like I can pick up from where I left off oh so long ago. Everything is screwed up right now—even more so than it was on that fateful September morning nearly 3 years ago… So there’s just no going back—only forward.

So here it goes…

My name is Rachael. Today is the first day of the rest of my life… and I’m pretty terrified.

Weigh-in is on Mondays. Finding balance is my hope. Happiness is the end goal.