264.8

Starting Weight: 318.2 lbs.
Weight Last Week: 267 lbs.
Current Weight: 264.8 lbs.
Weekly Change: –2.2 lbs.
Total Weight Lost: 53.4 lbs.

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Hi, friends!

Today has been bittersweet for me — very, very bittersweet.

First, let’s talk about the sweet things, though! I’ll save the bitter until the end.

As you can see, I lost another 2.2 lbs. this week! I have now lost a total of 53.4 lbs., and I’m also more than halfway through the 260s now, too! The 250s are so close, and I feel so, so, so happy about what I’ve accomplished.

Reaching a weight of 164 lbs. would give me a BMI of 24.9, which means that it’s the most that I can weigh while still maintaing a “normal” BMI, and so, as of now, that’s tentatively what my end goal weight is.

Currently, I weigh 264.8 lbs, and I have a BMI of 39.7 (which, by the way, is just regular obese… I am no longer morbidly obese! Three cheers for that!).

But yeah… Right this second, I weigh 264.8 pounds.

That means that I am now officially just 100.8 lbs. away from being “normal.”

For all intents and purposes, I am just 100 lbs. away from reaching a healthy weight.

100.

Is it strange that that number doesn’t seem daunting to me anymore?

It’s so hard to believe that I’ve come this far in just 26 weeks. When I started this journey back on September 12, 2014, I wanted to see success so badly, but in my heart of hearts, I didn’t actually believe that I could do this. Back then, I didn’t believe that I could conquer my urges to binge or that I could really and truly wake up from this 300-someodd-pound nightmare.

But I have woken up from the nightmare, and losing another 100 lbs. seems totally possible now. I believe in myself, and I believe that I can do this. Now, it’s not a question of “if” — it’s merely a question of “when.”

That’s an incredible revelation.

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Another positive revelation I had this week?

I’m really not that big anymore.

OK, OK, OK — now before you go calling the fat police or you think to call in the cavalry just to make sure I’m not getting complacent over here, slow your roll. I realize I’m still obese. I just openly said that a few paragraphs ago. ^^ However, I’m also going to be realistic, too.

I am currently falling out of my U.S. size 18 jeans. I could absolutely get into a size 16 right now — maybe even a 14 if I sucked it in enough.

And last week, I slipped into a size 18 dress that I haven’t been able to wear since late 2007 when I was 14-years-old.

Stop for a second and consider all of that information.

See!

I am not that big anymore.

I have ventured into a realm where buying clothes in a “normal” store is entirely possible. There’s not a major department store in my whole city that doesn’t sell size 16 jeans. If I wanted to, I could buy jeans off the rack now. I totally, definitely, absolutely could. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s a good way of defining my size. If I’m able to buy jeans at a normal store and I don’t have to shop at specialty stores anymore, then I’m no longer an exceptionally large lady.

Coming to that conclusion wasn’t necessarily an easy thing to do, though. There’s a disconnect between my mind and my body and even my eyes, too, I think.

When I browse through some of your blogs, I am shocked to see that some of you weigh more than I do. Coming from a girl who’s never been thin and who has always been the biggest person in the room, it’s almost inconceivable that I’ve lowered my weight to a sort of middle-of-the road place.

I look at some of you ladies, in particular — ladies who weigh a bit more than me or a bit less but are still fairly close — and I admire the pictures you post. I admire your body shapes and the way that your weight is disbursed, and I seem to have trouble remembering that I, too, am of a similar size.

It’s hard for me to come to terms with what I’ve done and with what I look like now.

But, slowly but surely, I’m getting there!

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And now here comes the bitter…

I have been struggling with this second leg of the 1,000 Extra Steps Challenge, guys. I haven’t hit my goal on several occasions. I missed the goal 3 times this week, and that, combined with the days I missed earlier in the challenge, means I’ve now missed my target 6/18 days, which is awful!

The weather has been counterproductive of my walking a few times, and my own crappy mood and excess fatigue has been counterproductive for the rest. I have been incredibly stressed out because of my schoolwork, and walking just hasn’t been at the top of my priority list this time around.

The walking that I have managed to do has been indoor, walking-in-place stuff. I just turn on Netflix and walk through a couple episodes of The Twilight Zone or Friends or The Office, and then I call it a night. I’ve noticed, however, that my body has not been appreciative of this.

When I weighed over 300 lbs., I was lucky because I never had body aches or pains. Now, though? My body aches all the time. My back and neck have been bothering me, and so has my knee. When I was taking long walks outside, my body responded well, but walking in place for an hour at a time or more? Yeah. This can’t continue for much longer.

And then last night, I had a horrible toothache, and while I definitely had the time and energy to walk, I didn’t because I just wasn’t in the mood. I took a few Advils, nursed my toothache until they kicked in, and then I went to bed early.

I’m sorry that I haven’t been doing well this time around. I feel like maybe I’m letting you guys down, and that’s a real bummer for me.

I promise to try harder these last 10 days!

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And now for the absolute worst, most bitter part of the bittersweet day I’ve had.

I love my Weight Watchers meeting — sincerely. I picked the meeting for no other reason than it was the next convenient time available after I decided, spur of the moment, that I was going to join Weight Watchers. Had I decided on any other day that I wanted to join, I’d have likely ended up at a different meeting.

But, as it was, I didn’t. I ended up here, Friday mornings at 9:30 AM.

I’m the youngest person at the meeting, and because of that, I feel like all of the other women felt like they needed to take on very motherly-type roles in my life. All of them wanted to play momma over the course of my journey.

And, so far, I’ve let them.

When I walk in, everyone knows my name. Everyone stops to chit chat and ask about my week. Everyone waits with baited breath when I’m approaching a milestone like that big 50 lb. loss I had been anticipating for weeks. They are all genuinely invested in me — in my life and in my story — and I’ve become genuinely invested in their lives and stories, too.

I know about their husbands and children and grandchildren. I know about their vacations and their special events. I thoroughly know these little, special parts of their lives, and they’ve all become very important to me over the course of these past 6 months.

So today, when the sweet and spunky Ms. Betty came up to me with tears in her eyes, I knew that my little world was going to be tilted on its axis something fierce.

And it was.

Betty has been one of my biggest cheerleaders throughout the journey so far because she has lost a lot of weight — pretty darn close to what I have to lose. She is very thin now and very beautiful — even as a grandma, she radiates this sense of eternal youth. You can tell that she’s worked hard for what she’s accomplished, and she’s got an attitude that can’t be beat.

She’s also a cancer survivor, and she’s said, time and time again, that Weight Watchers saved her life: had her body still been in ruins when they’d found the cancer, she probably wouldn’t have been able to beat it that first time around.

One look at Betty’s face today, though, and I knew that something was really, really wrong and that some of her fighting fire had been put out.

A few seconds after walking in, she grabbed me by the shoulders and said, “Listen, sweetie, this is the last time you’re probably going to see me for awhile.” With a smile of denial, I asked, “Well, why?” Her response was awful — so awful that I had a hard time pulling myself together afterwards: “They found a tumor, and I don’t know much right now. It’s looking like surgery, chemo, and radiation, though. I came in today because I wanted to tell you that you can do this. I believe in you, and it’s so important that you just keep going.” Then she gave me a hug, got up, and shook it off.

I was speechless, and I was also totally heartbroken. I was absolutely flabbergasted, too, that she came in just two days after receiving her diagnosis simply to tell me that I needed to keep going with this. I was flabbergasted that my journey mattered that much to her — that I mattered that much.

After she weighed-in, she came back over to me and whispered, “Now don’t you be upset. I’m just telling a few people, and I wanted you to know.” 

But it was too late; I was upset, and I still am upset. I shed some tears at the meeting, and I shed more tears while writing this blog.

When you take a journey like this, you get so emotionally involved with people. I feel so connected to all of the people at my meeting and to all of you out here in the blogosphere, and it’s just hard when life throws curveballs.

I promised Betty that I’d come to see her — that she didn’t have to venture out of her house to see me if she didn’t want to or she couldn’t, and she, in turn, promised lots of margaritas would be waiting for me at her place when I did come by.

Weight Watchers points be damned.

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If it’s not too much trouble, think of my friend Betty, would you? If you’re the praying kind or you like to send positive energy out into the world or you feel in tune with some other larger-than-life thing, remember her for me. Keep her close to your hearts; she’s certainly kept me and a whole lot of other folks close to hers.

I hope you all have a lovely week.

Eat well. Be well.

rachaelxoxo