I’m pretty sure no one is around to read this anymore, but that’s OK—at this point, I’m writing for me.
In December of 2017, I wrote my last blog on this page… A lot has happened since then.
I have 13 drafts in the draft folder here on WP. Over the last couple of years, I’ve tried to make my return—tried to find the motivation and the right words to capture the depth of my emotions and continue to tell my story with the same honest gusto that I did when I was in my early twenties… But, alas, I didn’t have it in me.
A couple of weeks ago I started writing again, and I put my heart and soul into a post that chronologically took us through the last year+ … only to walk away from it at the end because it’d gotten too long and too trite.
Here’s the basics of what you need to know: I’ve finally managed to find myself a little bit of peace.
For years that’s the thing I’ve been chasing—peace—only as a young twenty-something, I didn’t know that that’s what I was chasing.
Now, though, as I look forward to turning 27 this year, things are a little clearer.
On the 16th of April (12 days ago), I tendered my resignation at WW (aka, Weight Watchers). The relief I feel… I don’t think you could imagine it even if you tried really, really hard. The thing that I once lauded as my saving grace is the same thing that, in the end, was nearly my undoing.
I imagine that my severing of ties with WW is a little bit like what a cantankerous divorce must feel like: I’m a little bitter, a little scorned, a little burnt, yet still a whole lot wiser now that the years have stacked up and it’s all said and done.
I will desperately, deeply, truly miss my members and the receptionists/guides that have worked on my teams for the last few years. But WW itself? No, I will not miss WW. My (now former) colleagues have asked me if I’ll still be back to visit as a member, if I’ll still use WW and reap its benefits… and my honest answer is, I don’t know.
In a perfect world, I’d like things to go back to the way they were back in 2014 when I stepped into WW for the first time ever: I’d be nervous, excited, naive, and, most importantly, anonymous when weighing in and plopping myself down in a green chair once a week.
But we can’t go back in time, can we? I’ve looked behind the curtain and seen that the great and powerful Oz is maybe not so great and powerful… and it’s left a bad taste in my mouth.
The truth of the matter is, though, that I have put on a substantial amount of weight from my one-time lowest, so no matter what I decide to do, I’m starting back at a place I’d once hoped (and swore) I’d never get back to. But that’s a story for another time.
I’m a teacher now! So all that jazz about law school and whatever other kinds of snake oil I was trying to sell you back in ’17 didn’t pan out, and I really couldn’t be more thankful for that. Someday I’d like to sit down and flesh out a post about my mental health and the spiral I went on after Cory killed himself (that somehow really manifested itself in weird twists and turns and failures with my career), but right now I don’t have it in me… Just know that I’ve managed to take several very lengthy, unplanned, and dark but meaningful detours over the last almost-three years since that fateful October day back in ’16.
I got my substitute teacher’s license and have been working steadily as such for the Denver Public School District for the last few months. At first I absolutely hated teaching and it was just a “side hustle” to help me save up to get the fuck away from WW, but then, one day, as if by magic happenstance, I fell in love with the profession. I read a book by Taylor Mali that changed my perspective on what it means to teach, and then it was as if I’d finally, after all this time, managed to find my place in the world.
Shortly thereafter, I applied to the district to participate in their alternative pathway program to secure a full-time teaching gig that will allow me to work while also going back to school to secure my teaching certificate and license as well as, eventually, earn a Master’s Degree in curriculum and instruction: critical pedagogy. DPS eagerly accepted me into their applicant pool, and now I’m just waiting for the chips to fall into place and the right school to come along and make me an offer. My hope is to be teaching full-time in my own classroom later this fall… but, if not, subbing will get me through the next year, and I’ll just keep pursuing this path until I’m eventually in my own classroom.
2018 and 2019 have been full of tremendous highs and lows and so much personal growth that I don’t think I could adequately capture it in just one blog post, so I’m not going to try to.
Once I’m fully out of all of my positions at WW (which will be, at the latest, May 25th), I’ve decided to start hitting the pavement hard with weight loss again—or at least really and truly make another attempt to do so. My plan is to spend the summer getting to know myself again as far as my health and weight loss journey are both concerned. I have a couple of 5Ks planned for the summer, some new plant-based cookbooks to crack open (because I became a vegetarian about 8 months ago), and some basic ideas of what I’d like this new adventure of mine to look like.
Another goal is to start blogging again regularly—mostly for accountability of self, but also to get re-involved with this community that I once loved so much.
I’m not even sure if anyone reads my blog anymore, but alas — here I am!
I kept saying on Instagram that I was going to write a new blog post, and currently I’ve got 6 saved drafts on the back burner here on WP. Every time I think I want to post something or make an announcement, I change my mind and nothing ever gets posted… or done. I never quite manage to get myself back on track! Surprise, surprise, right?
The same thing happens when I buy planners — every few months I claim I’m going to start using an old-school, hand-written agenda. I spend a shit ton of money trying to get organized, only to never use the damn things.
So here’s the deal… I’m going to give you guys a very brief summary of what’s happened to me over the course of the last year or so.
On the 28th of October last year, one of my oldest and closest friends took his own life. Prior to that, I was only slightly off track weight loss-wise: I had lost a bit of my mojo, gained a little bit of my weight back (less than 20 lbs. at the time), but I was, overall, holding steady.
But when Cory killed himself, my whole life changed. Suddenly, nothing made sense anymore. I was sad — so fucking sad — and I was also really angry and confused and everything was completely muddled.
I went off the rails.
I started partying and drinking all the time. I let my studies fall to the wayside, and my weight and my health were not even a little bit of a priority. I would go to work, and once I managed to zombie crawl my way through that, I’d immediately hit the scene with my friends and party and drink and eat until the break of dawn. I’d come home completely plastered, and I’d just barely be able to compose myself in time for work… only to then hit the replay button and do it all over again.
I started failing classes. I stopped doing homework and studying for tests. I essentially just… gave up.
I also hit the dating scene hard… and the type of men I found myself dating were complete train wrecks — even worse off than I was.
I was sneaking around, bed hopping, and telling lie after lie after lie.
Last winter, one of the guys I was involved with ended up attacking me during what should have been a drama-free break up. I barely managed to escape with any dignity left intact — but I did, thankfully, manage to escape.
Fast forward through another few mistakes, and by the time summer rolled around, I found myself trapped in a relationship I didn’t really want to be in with a raging alcoholic with a death wish.
To add to this, my longtime Weight Watcher friend, Betty, was losing her battle with cancer, and I was spending what little free time I had at her hospice bedside.
In late June, Social Services had also dropped my cousin’s children off on my doorstep; he and his wife were busted doing meth and heroine, and suddenly, my entire life was turned upside down and inside out again — this time even worse (and more permanently) than before.
I spent a lot of the summer crying.
I cried tears for lost opportunities and closed doors, for poor choices I made, and for the darkness that had settled in that I couldn’t seem to outrun or escape.
There were moments when I did not know how I could continue to go on — truly.
My high school best friend — who’d held that title for more than a decade — completely turned her back on me… and most of my other friends were unsure of how to “handle” me or really of just what to do. Lots of them were just sick of hearing about all the drama, and they put me on ignore.
Did I forget to mention that my weight was continuing to go up, up, up during this entire period?
I did, eventually, have a “come to Jesus moment” towards the end of September, but much like my original decision to join Weight Watchers back in the fall of ’14, there wasn’t really a specific trigger… Everything just built up and up and up and up until I really had no choice but to just pull myself up by the boot straps and figure out how to move forward and make some changes.
The first really big change I made? I decided to quit my current grad school program endeavors. I came to the conclusion that Speech Language Pathology, while an incredibly admirable field, is simply not for me. I loved my clinical gig where I did a rotation in one of our local school districts, but when it came to my actual classes and all of the intricate interworkings of SLP life? I really couldn’t hack it… and not only that, but my heart and my interest level just weren’t where they should’ve been in the end.
Quitting was absolutely not an easy decision for me, and, again, there was a lot of crying involved. However, after the crying and after a ton of consideration, I’ve decided to apply to law school.
Mic drop.
Yeah, I know — huge change, tons of work, doesn’t necessarily seem like a good idea, blah blah blah.
In the end, I have decided to follow my gut on this one. I’ll be 25 in just two short months, and it’s about time I start making some serious decisions about what I’m doing… and it’s also about time I start doing things for ME and because I WANT TO and not because I “should” or because so and so tells me it’s a good idea.
I take the LSAT on December 2nd, and then I’ll apply to law school immediately after and should know by the spring what the future holds for me.
Some other changes I’ve made? I dumped my alcoholic boyfriend and have resolved to completely and totally stop dating for the foreseeable future. I’ve also drastically reigned in my partying and my drinking, and I’ve started being honest and open with my friends and family. I’ve started asking for help when I need it, I’ve started owning up to my struggles, and I’ve also started standing up for myself and making decisions based on what I believe is right and not simply just what I “should” do.
Not surprisingly, those that truly love and care for me are sticking by me, trusting me, and offering me their support.
It’s made a world of difference.
Some things that have not changed? I’m still struggling, my family situation hasn’t yet straightened itself out, and I’m not currently the best version of myself that I know I can be.
However, I’m a work in progress, and I am back to really working on myself again!
Thankfully, I still have my job at Weight Watchers, and I’m happier than ever ON PROGRAM! Yes, that’s right — I haven’t abandoned ship! I’m actually back on plan and am getting compliments from my members every single time I lead a meeting about how awesome I’m starting to look (again!).
I feel really rejuvenated and like I can finally maybe see the light at the end of the tunnel again.
It’s been a really bad year… But I’m hoping it’s not too late to pull it together!
First off, I want to say thank you for the incredible outpouring of support I received after my last couple of posts.
I’m figuring out how to move forward with my life. Somedays the darkness threatens to overwhelm me and almost completely consume me… and other days I laugh and giggle with my co-workers and my friends and the boys that I’ve been going out on dates with and everything is fine.
I haven’t been taking care of myself, though. I’ve been working myself to the point of exhaustion—I’m currently coming off a 12-day string of shifts in which no days off were to be had. When I’m not working I’m studying, going to class, volunteering… or drinking and partying—something I’ve admittedly been doing far too much of.
It’s definitely occurred to me that I’ve maybe traded some of my terrible food habits for some new terrible habits involving work, booze, bars, and men… but, alas, that’s another topic for another day. We’ll just shove that under the rug along with the rest of my psychological issues…
I bought a new Fitbit, so if you’re not friends with me, you should be! I’m trying hard to work on my fitness.
I jumped back on Instagram tonight and sent out an SOS to my 900+ followers, and I’m hoping there are still some people out there! I’ve decided I’m going to make myself get back into the habit of posting regularly on both Instagram and the blog! I always do better when I hold myself publicly accountable.
I’ve stocked up on healthy food again! Lots of fruits and veggies, low-fat/low-sugar yogurts and cheeses, lots of fish, protein shakes and bars, and a plethora of Weight Watchers products, too (that employee discount sure does help!). I have other stuff, too, but it’s after midnight and it’s just too much to remember. The point is, I have the most important tools I need to be successful again: healthy food!
My social media lives have officially collided. Tonight I saw that a boy I went to school with a decade or so ago follows me on my @myjourneyonedayatatime Instagram account. There was a brief moment of sheer panic when I saw that… But then I just thought to myself, “Screw it!” I am who I am. I have to start liking the person that I am. It’s not a secret that I was (and that I still am) a fat girl. It’s also not some great big secret that I work for Weight Watchers. I have to stop caring about my two “separate” lives intermixing.
So, what did I do once I had this big realization? I requested another couple of my “real life” friends from my WL Instagram. Go big or go home. The secret is officially out!
The scale has been going up and down for me—shocker, right? I don’t want to post my weight right now. I’m not ready to admit how badly I’ve fucked things up.
Just know that I’m back and I desperately need your help.
Thanks for always loving me for me. You’ll never know what you mean to me.
I cried. I hugged his mother and his sister and promised them that I would keep this incredible man alive by never letting the memories fade, and by allowing him to live on in my heart for as long as it still beats.
I loved him to the very depths of my soul.
He was the very best human being I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. He was loyal, kind, considerate, compassionate, and loving. In all the years I knew him (which equates to the majority of my life), he never said a bad word about anyone. Even during those crazy, young, impressionable periods of life in which boys are typically mean-spirited and both knowingly and unknowingly hurtful, he was not.
No matter what everyone else was doing or saying, he was living his best life, always—even though that often meant marching to the beat of his own drum.
He lived his best life until his very last breath.
And I love him all the more for it.
Yesterday, I watched his untimely death bring peace and healing to others in the most unlikely of ways.
As I hugged the boy of yesteryear that once deemed me “Tractor” and “Bulldozer,” I realized that time really does heal all wounds. As I watched my former friends, my former classmates, my former bullies and tormenters alike mourn the loss of the beautiful boy whose 24 years on this planet irrevocably changed my very existence, I swear to you I could physically feel my heart expand in my chest.
You can’t take past hurts along for the ride of life, or you will never make it—you’ll never survive it.
My friend taught me that.
Last night I drank too much beer. I chain smoked cigarettes with my friends. I laughed. I cried. I played a little air hockey.
This morning I went to Weight Watchers… and I lost 5.2 lbs.
I promise you I’m not going to waste my life anymore… waste my time.
165 lbs., here I come.
I miss you, Cory. I’ll miss you until the very last beat of my heart.
I’m here, and I’m still kicking… Although just barely.
As I sit writing this, the three draft posts I’ve been working on over the course of the past several months seem to be mocking me.
A lot has happened—some good things, some not so good things.
As many of you guessed, my weight is, indeed, up, but I haven’t regained everything, and that’s what’s important.
On Friday, I had planned on writing an update post, but then my world shifted on its axis… and now I feel more lost than ever.
One of my oldest and dearest friends took his own life on Friday morning, and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. The world feels darker now, and things that once seemed important don’t seem important at all now.
Thank you for caring about me. The little comments and emails I’ve received have made me smile.
I owe it to you to be here, and I’m sorry I haven’t been.
I’ll be back soon. Right now I just need to figure out how to cope and move on with my life—in more ways than one.
Long time no see, huh? I know, I know… I’ve been gone for more than a month… my longest hiatus to date! But, alas, I am still alive—although just barely!
When I last wrote, I mentioned that June had been really, really tough on me. Unfortunately, things didn’t let up in July—in fact, I’d hazard a guess that July may have even been more challenging than June was.
My stress levels skyrocketed, followed directly by my weight, and then, accordingly, my grades plummeted. There was a brief moment that I really and truly thought I was going to flunk my anatomy + physiology course… I was working far too many hours, sleeping and studying far too few hours, and eating nothing but crappy processed foods at random intervals in between massive sugar and caffeine binges.
Something had to give… And without giving it too much thought, I decided that what that something was was my job.
Weight Watchers sent me on a weekend business trip to Chicago on July 15th so that I could complete my leader training. I worked the weekend before that trip, but the rest of the week leading up to it? I decided to find subs to cover every single meeting I was supposed to work so that I could take the entire week off.
That business trip, surprisingly, was a godsend; it put some things into perspective for me.
My first time on an airplane in over a decade… + I fit in the seat! My seatbelt needed to be tightened, + my tray table came all the way down! I nearly cried with relief + excitement.
Being surrounded by new leaders—by people from all across the country with new and exciting stories just like mine, who understood me probably better than anyone else I work with here at home in Colorado—was eye-opening, and it re-energized and re-motivated me like nothing else has been able to do thus far.
As you can see from my hair, humidity + Colorado girls don’t mix! …Not to mention we’d just walked 3 miles to do some touristy souvenir shopping at the mall + then get some—you guessed it—deep dish at Chicago’s famous Giordano’s… because Weight Watchers leaders eat pizza, too!
The group of new leaders was pretty big; there were over 30 of us. These ladies in the photo, though, were the ones I seemed to form a special kinship with. They “got me,” and they understood what it was like to be in this in-between of learning how to balance becoming a staff member and continuing to be a member yourself. Surprisingly, not all of these gals were at goal yet either, so I found myself in good company in that department, too.
On night two, when we were given the teeniest bit of free time, we commiserated over deep dish pizza and booze (though neither of which were overdone… because we actually were watching each other!). This was quite a change from the chef-prepared Weight Watchers dishes we had cooked and served to us otherwise (three times daily!) because, yes, believe it or not, Weight Watchers did, indeed, make sure their brand new leaders were eating nothing but plan-friendly meals, desserts, and snacks while we were slaving away in WW Bootcamp:
This whole “having every single meal cooked, prepared, and served” thing was amazing. I figure this must be what it’s like to be Oprah on plan! Every single recipe was from one of the many Weight Watchers cookbooks out there in existence—even the desserts!—and it was fabulous. We also had free, unlimited access to all of the Weight Watchers products we sell in our stores and online, and a wonderful, free fruit and veggie bar that was replenished by the hotel staff throughout the day, too, meaning everything I consumed that weekend, aside from our Giordano’s adventure, was 100% on plan. My coffee creamer, my snacks, my everything was Weight Watchers approved…
And for some reason, this turned me on to the idea of really and truly giving Simply Filling a go after I returned home. Literally the entire time I was in Chicago schooling up on the latest and greatest techniques of facilitating a Weight Watchers meeting, I was working up the nerve to make a new plan for myself and, in turn, make a new start at Weight Watchers.
It’s no secret—at least not to all of you—that I’ve struggled with SmartPoints. When we first rolled out this new plan, I complained to just about everyone who’d listen, and that included all of you here on the blog… But then reality set in: I had decided to accept a job with Weight Watchers, so I had to put on my big girl panties and work this new program… I had to… Otherwise I’d have to quit the job that I felt was really right for me at this particular phase of my life, because I just couldn’t have it both ways.
So I gave it the old college try (with a lot of grumbling, mind you), and for awhile, I started to lose weight again… But that trend didn’t last long. Soon enough, I was slowly but steadily gaining weight, and before I knew it, twenty—yes twenty—pounds had crept up on me.
Let me be clear about something: I don’t think, fundamentally, there’s anything wrong with the SmartPoints plan… and I’m not just saying that because I’m a Weight Watchers employee. The SmartPoints program falls right in line with the latest and greatest scientific studies surrounding nutrition and weight loss. Have you ever seen the documentary Fed Up? Watch that bad boy just once, and you’ll be outraged at the world and gung-ho to follow SmartPoints to the tee—really.
But the thing is, for me, this is not working. For my longtime readers, it’s no secret that around 10 months into my health journey, after being completely, gloriously binge-free, I “fell off the wagon” and relapsed into ED hell. This was before the change in our program, so I’m not blaming SmartPoints for my relapse. However, I will tell you this: I am blaming SmartPoints for my inability to crawl out of the darkness… And here’s why:
This plan requires a tremendous amount of discipline. For those of you already shaking your heads, anxious to tell me that weight loss and a drastic health journey of any kind takes tremendous discipline, let me stop you before you start. Don’t be trite. Don’t say things we all already know, OK?
Of course this sort of journey, in any form, requires discipline. But with SmartPoints, it’s a little different. On the PointsPlus plan—the plan that I used to drop over 80-pounds—that famous Weight Watchers motto “you can eat whatever you want and still lose weight!” was really the truth. You could eat ice cream for dessert every day if you wanted. You could have a fancy coffee and a donut for breakfast without demolishing a day’s worth of points. You could go out for pizza and beers and still be on track for the day, week, what have you. That plan was a lifestyle in every way, shape, and form.
SmartPoints does not allow you these same freedoms. SmartPoints doesn’t allow you these daily “treats.” SmartPoints gives you the opportunity for maybe one “treat” per week, and that’s that… And you know what? In the grand scheme of things, I get that that’s the way it’s supposed to be. I get that people who’ve never had a weight issue also likely aren’t eating ice cream and donuts every day. I’m not stupid, and I do see the correlation… But that doesn’t make it any easier to actually stick to this… at least not for me.
I have struggled with my weight and, more importantly, food for the entirety of my life. I’ve been at every end of the spectrum as far as both my mental and physical health are concerned. I’ve been on every diet in the book, and I’ve lived and learned about true darkness at the hands of this particular struggle. I’m under no illusions; this is my “cross to carry,” so to speak. I will never be “cured,” and this is something I will have to work at and be mindful of forever… And for the first time in a really, really long time, I’ve decided to start making changes and doing what I have to do to help myself… even if that means making some tough choices.
So here’s the deal:
I am throwing in the towel on SmartPoints indefinitely. I fought the good fight, and I feel no shame in this. What am I doing instead? Simply Filling. So, not to worry, I’m not giving up on Weight Watchers—not by a long shot… I’m just going to go ahead and walk down the path less traveled.
I am also going to be saying a super tough goodbye to my Friday 9:30 crew… at least as a member. As some of you might remember, I mentioned that I started working this meeting awhile back… And that was a really, really cool experience. To be able to go from a meeting member to a staff member and take part in these folks’ journeys in a brand new way—these people who I really and truly grew to love and admire—was a once in a lifetime, priceless gift. Many of my dear member friends tell me weekly that they miss me in the meeting and wish I could be a member again, and for awhile, I was making promises to them that that would happen on the days I wasn’t needed on staff… But after a lot of thought, consideration, and soul searching, I’ve decided that that’s just not the place for me anymore.
I will also, from now on, only work that meeting on staff when they need someone to fill in; I will not be there each Friday to greet my friends at the scale and talk them through their week.
This is really hard for me because I truly love those people… But an unfortunate consequence of my taking a job with this company is that sometimes things that were once a good fit are no longer so… Sometimes people outgrow one another, and sometimes change is a little too hard on all parties involved.I will miss my 9:30 crew more than I can say, but I hope beyond hope to see them around—because I will be around… both personally and professionally. Maybe some of them will pop into my meeting in the near future! 🙂
I am planning to sit in this Friday one last time as a member… And then I will be moving on to a new meeting where I can blend in a bit better.
My work with Weight Watchers is also going to change just a bit. It’s important to me that I get my own health and weight loss journey back on track, and it’s also important that I keep my sanity intact… And with 3 more years of school on the horizon, that might be just a tad bit difficult if I don’t work a little less. So I am not quitting my job… But I am going to choose my meetings more carefully so that I can manage my time better!
I love the people Weight Watchers has brought into my life… But sometimes loving yourself has to take priority over loving your job and loving others… Which is something I’m slowly but surely figuring out.
So yeah… Lots to take in, lots of information… If you’re still with me at this point, I appreciate it tremendously.
I’ll end this ramble by leaving you with my horrendous weight stats I’ve failed to post up until now, and I’ll also let you know that I’ve already made the switch to Simply Filling, and I’ve, thankfully, also already started to see results on the scale in response! I’ve also started to feel better and more in control. I’ve finally seen the light that my BFF Alison has been trying to get me to see for over a year: Simply Filling really is freeing!
Whelp, it’s happened: I have—officially—done what I swore I’d never do again: I’m back above 250 lbs.
Friday was a sad day.
My coworker and friend, Sade, always weighs me; I like to joke that she’s my good luck charm because my biggest and most memorable weight loss milestones have always happened at her scale. She’s been traveling the past two Fridays, though, so I haven’t been able to weigh-in with her…
This last Friday, I did my own weigh-in at work for the first time ever… And it took some serious restraint not to fudge the numbers or strip off articles of clothing just so I could see that 5 disappear… But, alas, I owned up to my mistakes.
Because there have been some mistakes made, definitely.
June has been tough—really tough. I’ve been working anywhere from 5-7 days per week at Weight Watchers, and as you all know, I’m also in school… and it’s hard. I’m doing awesome in my clinical phonetics course (I have a solid A and a good understanding of the subject), but I’m floundering in my speech science (read: anatomy and physiology) course. On my first a+p exam, I got a low B… and I worked hard for that. I took my second exam yesterday, and I did really poorly: I got a C- (it was a D+ until my professor—miraculously—gave me a point back for a question that was wrongly docked during auto-grading).
My stress levels have been through the roof…
The only thing that’s allowed me to keep my head above water is the shadowing/interning I’ve done with some local speech-language pathologists here in the city. Last time I wrote, I mentioned that one of my member friends at Weight Watchers passed my name along to some of her former colleagues, and, since then, so many awesome opportunities have fallen into my lap . I’ve gotten to do and see some really incredible things, and I get so much joy from being elbows deep in the clinical world.
For the first time in my life, I feel like something that I’m struggling with is actually going to pan out and be worth it if I stick it out. I’ve mentioned my failed attempt at (and my subsequent dropping-out of) nursing school a time or two here on the blog, and I’ve candidly mentioned, too, that I sometimes have those same lingering “it’s time to quit while you’re ahead” thoughts about my weight loss journey, too.
But not this… Not graduate school and the career that I can now see so clearly on the horizon. For this, I will struggle.
The struggling comes with a price, though, it seems…
I’ve been eating a lot of convenience food because I just can’t seem to manage my time well enough to do much else these days. My once incredibly well thought out, home-cooked breakfasts have now morphed into microwaved breakfast sandwiches or burritos alongside a (hopefully non-moldy) piece of fruit… which I eat on my lap as I’m driving to work in the mornings… or at my desk in between weighing in members.
My car is a disaster. I was horrified yesterday when I noticed that my backseat had become a graveyard for (literally) over a dozen stray Dunkin’ Donuts, Starbucks, and Carino coffee cups. Somehow I’ve become a regular at three separate coffee shops… The baristas all know my name and my go-to orders (which, you’ll be happy to know, are all some form of black coffee loaded up with either soy or almond milk and sometimes a little sugar-free crap tossed in for good measure, too—all very point-friendly, I promise!).
I also rarely cook anymore. I either grab the most point-friendly take out option I can, or I end up making a salad or a sandwich for dinner. Sometimes I’ll quickly cook some eggs and toast if I’m really in the mood for something hot for dinner, but actually taking the time to look up recipes, plan a meal, cook it, and then eat it? Yeah. Not so much.
In short, the train has completely derailed at this point.
My Weight Watchers leader, Stephanie, always preaches that the key to this whole journey is not ridding yourself of the tools that helped lead to your success.
…I have totally and completely abandoned all of my tools.
Do I still track honestly, every single day, no matter what? No. Do I still sit down and plan my meals for the week? No. Do I still set weekly goals? No. Do I still go to a Weight Watchers meeting every single week (as a member)? No.
My eating isn’t terrible… really! I’m not eating the way I used to when I was grossly overweight. When I do track, my tracker looks pretty good, and 9 times out of 10, I manage to stay within my daily/weekly points… But if I’m super honest with myself (and all of you), I’ll admit that I know I’m still not doing well. When I was really losing weight, I was hardly ever eating out—almost all of my food was home-cooked. Dessert? Sometimes, sure, but not on a regular basis (like I’m doing now). Back in the heyday of my weight loss success, I was really, really good about picking and choosing what was “worth it.” Now? Not so much.
Bad day at work? School? Anatomy and physiology homework making you go crosseyed? There’s no harm in a 15-point cupcake… as long as you track it!
In short, the quality of food I’m choosing is really, really poor… And I know that. I also know that I can’t outrun my fork… So poor food choices all the time, even in the “correct” quantity, are not going to benefit me.
These are things I know; I’m not living in denial… But my life is seriously shifting right now… And it’s quite a learning curve.
It turns out that nothing is quite like you expect it to be… (Whod’a thunk it, right? …I sound super 23 here, don’t I?) I expected my weight loss journey to go one way, and it’s definitely, definitely not lived up to my expectations. I also expected that graduating at the top of my class as an undergrad meant I’d also have it easy in graduate school, and that, too, is definitely not the case…
Oh well. So goes life!
I have to find a way to cope.
Weight Watchers is sending me to Chicago in about two weeks, so, preferably, I need to pull it together before then… Here’s hoping!
Speaking of Chicago… If you’re following me on Instagram, then you know that a couple of weeks ago, I finally met Amber in person!
Coolest thing ever? Meeting my blogging friends in real life! Amber was visiting Denver with her boyfriend and her family, and she (thoughtfully!) decided to look me up! We met up at Cheesman Park and then, eventually, took our little chat back to where she was staying. We hung out all afternoon and had a really, really great time!
We had such a good time, in fact, that when I’m in Chicago in a couple of weeks, she and her boyfriend are planning to swing by my hotel when I’m not working/training so that we can grab a beer!
I seriously hope to do more of this at some point. Over the past (almost!) two years, so many of you guys have become such a big part of my life—you’ve become real, genuine friends… So in the (hopefully) not-so-distant future, I would really, really, really love to do a meet-up!
I hope you’re all doing well. Drop me a line and tell me about your summer!
It’s been just over two weeks since I last checked in, and lots has happened since then! In fact, I sort of feel like I’ve been on a never-ending tilt-a-whirl ride. You know that one, right? It’s my absolute favorite amusement park attraction… The ride itself spins in one direction while the riders “tilt” the seats to spin in another direction, all the while you’re being rolled along in a sort of topsy-turvy fashion…
I have many fond childhood memories of laughing and squealing on the tilt-a-whirl, of closing my eyes in sheer bliss so I could just feel all of the different ways I was being thrown around… And, really, I can’t think of a more apt comparison of what these last two weeks have been like—they’ve really been just like those tilt-a-whirl rides of yesteryear… Fun, exciting, a little stressful and scary at times… And anyway you look at it, one heck of a ride!
I’m up a grand total of 0.4 lbs. since I last wrote, and, honestly, the scale is just a big ‘ole mystery to me right now…
Overall, my food consumption has been pretty good! Sure, here and there I’ve made some somewhat questionable choices, but everything has been tracked, and I’ve been pretty on point for the majority of the time—and that word there, by the way, majority, is what’s going to allow me to keep this up for the remainder of my life. I was just discussing this with one of my coworkers this morning, in fact: sometimes you eat the ice cream sundae, even if it drops you into the negatives. Sometimes you order the French fries instead of the fruits or veggies. Sometimes you have the beer or that glass of wine.
Life’s about checks and balances, plain and simple.
So, with that said, I’ve decided to just press onwards and upwards and hope for the best.
The scale has to move eventually… because that’s just how it works, isn’t it? Even though I gave up tracking the inches I’ve lost a long time ago, I know that I am, in fact, losing inches right now; something is happening. My clothes fit better, I’ve gone down another size in jeans, and nearly every day someone remarks how “great” I look and how the weight loss is super noticeable.
If only they knew, huh?
Anyway… enough of that! Let’s chat about what else is going on.
First and foremost, I’m back in school!
It’s more difficult than I thought (hoped?) it’d be, to say the least. I turned in my first quiz this evening, and I just made the time cutoff by the skin of my teeth! I know that not everything was correct, but I tried my best…
My first anatomy and physiology exam is less than a week away, and I’m truly, truly dreading that. The material is so dense, and it’s very, very easy to get lost in a sea of endless diagrams and tedious technical terminology.
Also, to keep it real with you guys, I feel sort of inadequate in comparison to my classmates. I have a lot of theoretical experience under my belt: I’ve done a lot of undergraduate research, I’ve written a very long and detailed dissertation concerning relevant topics, and I certainly had the grades as an undergrad to land a spot in this cohort… But as for hands-on, personal, real-life clinical experience… I’m severely lacking… and by “severely lacking,” what I actually mean is that I have none… and that’s a real bummer because that’s something that a lot of my classmates, on the other hand, do have.
One of the cool things about working for Weight Watchers, though, is that you meet tons of people from all walks of life… And throughout my time as both a member and as an employee, I’ve managed to meet a handful of retired speech pathologists who, remarkably, still have some ins in the world of SLPs.
I took a chance while I was at work last Friday and just came right out and asked a member friend of mine who happens to be in that “recently retired” category if she might know of anyone who’d be willing to let me do some shadowing or get in some clinical hours, and she said that she might, indeed, be able to help me out by passing along my contact information! So I am really, really crossing my fingers that this works out… Because if the way I’m currently feeling in class is any indication, I’m going to need all the help and extra exposure I can get!
… Also, my best friend of 20 years gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a week ago, and he is so, so incredible. And did I mention beautiful? I love him, I love him, I love him.
I have never felt quite as nostalgic as I did when she placed him in my arms. I know it’s realistically too soon to say this, but I honestly think he looks just like her. I looked at his face for the first time, and I was instantly transported back to a church playground on a hot August day in the mid-’90s. I could almost taste the gritty sand on my tongue and feel those blistering hot monkey bars in my hands… And when he looked up at me with the same big, curious eyes as his mother, I saw in him, for a split second, that once pig-tail-framed face of the girl I’ve grown to love like a sister over the past two decades.
After I stopped being so sappy, I took a moment to thumb through some older photos, and I found this little gem from 2011. I was 18 at the time.
This is the most horrible picture I’ve ever taken, I think… I know as a former 320+ lb. woman I have taken alot of bad pictures in my time, but this one truly horrifies me. I look so uncomfortable… and it makes me genuinely sad that I was too fat to hold this little guy up any higher or closer to me. When I see these photos, I just cringe at how horrific my life was not so long ago… and suddenly I find myself just a bit more motivated to keep the momentum going. I will not let myself end up back there… It’s just not an option.
In my last post, I mentioned that I was training for my seventh organized 5K, and that meant taking advantage of the beautiful Colorado sunshine we’ve been having recently!
I trained for this race in the exact same way that I trained for the other six I completed, and while I was particularly nervous about this one because of my bad knee, I was really excited, too!
The morning of the race, I was feeling really anxious, though… The course looked incredible, but it was a lot scarier looking than I imagined, and I started to realize that perhaps my approach of treating this like any other 5K was a mistake…
The obstacles were outrageous. And let me tell you a couple of things incase you ever find yourself wondering…
It is impossible to do anything but walk leisurely in a big farm field. The ground is awful: there are divots everywhere, more mud and unsteady ground than you’d ever imagine, and there is debris everywhere. Trying to jog or run or even walk quickly is just asking for trouble—it’s a broken ankle waiting to happen… and I know this because I saw just that (thankfully it was not my ankle…)!
On the flipside, doing anything but running inside of the inflatables is also impossible…. Well, maybe not impossible, but it’s certainly not a good idea. The slower you go, the easier it is to fall down. There’s so much momentum from the other participants that the inflatables are constantly moving. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I could move as fast as I did inside of and on top of those inflatables… But after getting kicked in the head and body-slammed into the mud by a dude twice my size because I was going too slow and, thus, making myself an easy target for slips and falls, I learned my lesson.
That’s right… I actually ran.
I ran. I bounced. I crawled. I climbed. I pulled myself up with ropes. I got smacked in the face with moving inflatables and beachballs five times my size. I slid down slides so steep that I inadvertently found myself screaming on the way down. I did a tire run with a five-year-old and let a Marine pull me over a wall and straight down into a pit I thought I’d never be able to roll out of.
I worked my ass off.
And it really was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
But you know what? I’ve never felt more accomplished than I did when I slid across the finish line.
I’ll be at this race every single year from this point forward, without a doubt.
This was the first time I ever did a race and found myself equally as happy and exhilarated as I was irritated and exhausted.
This one was fun. I’m currently sporting a pretty awful sunburn and a ton of achey muscles, but there’s a part of me that’s already counting down to next year’s event… Who’da thunk it?
I hope you’re all out there fabulously murdering your summer goals.
I work an evening meeting on Mondays, and tonight I found it exceptionally hard to stay energized.
Also, my refrigerator is on the fritz, so my shopping this week has to be done sparingly because the repairman said it could (read: will) go out at any time, so it’d be wise not to stock up on food until the part needed to fix it comes in… and that could be as late as the 23rd of May, so go figure.
My food choices today were good:
Breakfast: A toasted Hawaiian sandwich slim, 3 scrambled eggs topped with 1 slice of Kraft 2% cheese, 2 cups of sliced mixed berries and a small chopped banana, and 12 oz. of seltzer water with fresh lime juice. 11/41
Lunch: 2 Applegate turkey hotdogs topped with Sriracha ketchup and spicy brown mustard on 2 enriched hotdog buns, a bag of Baked Lays potato chips, 3 clementines, and 12 oz. of seltzer water with fresh lime juice. 24/41
Dinner: A spicy chicken queso burrito and 12 oz. of seltzer water with fresh lime juice. 39/41
To tell you the truth, I’m not totally sure what was in that burrito aside from chicken and jasmine rice. I stopped by my local grocery store on the way home from work, looking for something quick, easy, and relatively healthy that I could make for an extremely late dinner. The burrito looked fairly appealing, and the nutrition label let me know it was within my point range, so I bought it. It was OK for a quick dinner at 10 PM, but who knows what was in it…
My Journey--One Day at a Time 